-Delile
- Buyini ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano?
- Izimpawu zokuhlukumezeka kobuhlobo ezi-5 zimi kanje:
- Ukuhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo nangokwengqondo
- Izimpawu ohlangabezana nokuhlukumezeka ngemuva kobudlelwano obunobuthi
- Ukuzethemba kwakho kuye konakala ngokuphelele
- Ukukhetha omunye umlingani ongenampilo
- Imicabango ebukekayo
- Ungaxolisa ngokweqile
- Ukuhlukumezeka kubuthinta kanjani ubudlelwano
- Ungaphulukisa kanjani ekuhlukumezeni kobudlelwano
- Cabanga futhi usabele
- Ukubekezela kuyisihluthulelo
- Phila okwamanje
- Thola usizo
- Imiqondo emi-3 yabasinde ekulimaleni kobudlelwano obunempilo
- 1. Ukuhlukumezeka kwakungelona iphutha lakho
- 2. Ubudlelwano abuphephile ngokwemvelo
- 3. Akuzona zonke izingxabano eziwuphawu lwenkinga
- I-PTSD, ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano, nomphumela ebudlelwaneni
Ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano kungokoqobo, futhi kungaba nemiphumela emibi ehlala njalo. Ngaphandle kwamaqiniso obudlelwano obuhlukumezayo, kungenzeka ukuphola, ukuqhubekela phambili, nokuzwa ubudlelwano obunempilo futhi.
Buyini ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano?
Ochwepheshe bachaze ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano njengokwenzeka lapho ubudlelwano obuseduze buhilele ukuhlukunyezwa okukhulu ngokomzimba, ngokocansi, noma ngokwengqondo. Umuntu oke wahlukumezeka ngale ndlela uvamise ukuzwa imizwa enamandla nokukhumbula okuhlangenwe nakho kokuhlukumezeka.
Ukungezwani kobudlelwano ngemuva kokuhlukumezeka, ngakho-ke, kungacindezela ngendlela emangalisayo.
Izimpawu zokuhlukumezeka kobuhlobo ezi-5 zimi kanje:
- Ukuzizwa wesaba ngokweqile noma uthukuthele ngomlingani wobudlelwano
- Ukuzizwa ungaphephile, okungaholela ekuziphatheni ngokweqile nokuqwasha
- Ukuzihlukanisa nabanye emphakathini
- Izinkinga zokuphumula kanye nokugxila
- Ukwesaba ubudlelwano obuseduze nokuntula ukwethembela ebudlelwaneni obunjalo
Ukuhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo nangokwengqondo
Lapho abantu becabanga ngokuhlukumezeka ebudlelwaneni, bangacabanga ngodlame lomzimba, kepha futhi kungabandakanya ukuhlukumezeka okungokomzwelo nokungokwengqondo. Isibonelo, ukubamba umlingani wakho ngokuthandana, ukulwa okukhulu, noma ukuhlazeka ngumlingani wakho konke kungadala izimpawu ezingokomzwelo nezingokwengqondo.
Lokhu kuhlukumezeka kungavela ekuhlukunyezweni ngokwengqondo ebudlelwaneni. Ukuhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo nangokwengqondo kungumphumela wokunye kokuziphatha okulandelayo ebudlelwaneni bokuhlukumeza:
- Omunye uzakwethu uhlazisa omunye umlingani ngamabomu
- Uzakwethu oyedwa wenza imibono eyehlisayo ngesisulu, kungaba esidlangalaleni noma ngasese
- Umlingani ohlukumezayo uqeda ukuzethemba komunye
- Uzakwethu oyedwa uzama ukukholisa omunye ukuthi "uyahlanya"
- Umlingani oyedwa utshela omunye lokho ayikho noma angavunyelwe ukukwenza
- Uzakwethu oyedwa olawula izimali zasekhaya
- Ukugxekwa okuqhubekayo okuvela kumlingani
- Izinsongo zokuhlukunyezwa ngumhlukumezi
- Omunye umlingani usole omunye ngezinto ezingahambi kahle noma okwenza lowo zakwethu azizwe enecala ngezinto ezingezona ezephutha lakhe
Noma yikuphi kokuziphatha okungenhla kungadala ubudlelwane obuhlukumezayo. Ekugcineni, isisulu siphelelwa umuzwa wokuzethemba nokuzimela size siqale nokungabaza ukuthi siphilile engqondweni. Isisulu singasaba ukwenza iphutha futhi sibe nomuzwa wokuthi akunakwenzeka ukujabulisa umhlukumezi.
Izimpawu ohlangabezana nokuhlukumezeka ngemuva kobudlelwano obunobuthi
Izimpawu ezimbalwa eziphezulu zibhalwe ngenhla, kepha kuyasiza ukuba nokuqonda okuphelele kwezimpawu zokuhlukumezeka ngemuva kokuba ubuhlobo obunobuthi bungabonakala.
Esinye sezibonakaliso ezinkulu zokuhlukumezeka ngemuva kobudlelwano, ngokusho kochwepheshe, ukuthi wesaba ubuhlobo obusha. Ungahle ufise ukuqala ubudlelwano obusha, kepha ukukhathazeka kwakho kukuvimbela ukuthi ungagxili kobunye ubuhlobo, noma ngabe usuthathe isikhathi ukuphola.
Izinkinga zeTrust zingesinye isibonakaliso esiyinhloko sokuhlukumezeka okuvela ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi.
Uma ukuhlukunyezwa kobuhlobo obudlule kubangele ukuhlukumezeka, ungahle ungazethembi ukukhetha umlingani omusha. Ngaphandle kwalokho, ungahle ube manqikanqika ukwethemba umuntu omusha ngenxa yokwesaba ukuthi lo muntu naye angakuhlukumeza. Lokhu kungaholela ekutheni uphume ubudlelwano obusha noma ubungani bakho.
Isibonelo, ukungavumelani okuncane noma amaphutha kungaholela ekubuzeni ukwethembeka komuntu ngoba kukukhumbuza ngamaphutha adlule owenziwa ngumlingani wakho okuhlukumezayo.
Ezinye izimpawu ezine oke wehlelwa ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano zimi kanje:
Uzakwethu wobudlelwano obunobuthi angasebenzisa amaqhinga okuhlukumeza, njengokukuhlazisa, ukukuphoxa, nokukusola ngokwenza konke okungalungile. Lokhu kungaholela ekutheni uzizwe ungelutho, ungafaneleki, futhi ungalufanele uthando. Ukuvezwa kuleli zinga lokuhlukumezeka kungakushiya ungazethembi kangako.
Ngokuzethemba okubuthakathaka, ungahle ukholelwe ukuthi awufanelwe ubudlelwano obunempilo lapho umlingani wakho abheka khona izidingo zakho futhi akuphathe ngenhlonipho. Lokhu kungaholela ekutheni wamukele omunye umlingani odala ukuhlukumezeka.
Kwesinye isikhathi, ungagijimela ebudlelwaneni obusha nomlingani okuhlukumezayo ngoba unesizungu futhi ufuna ukuvala isikhala noma ukuphola emanxebeni obudlelwano bakho bokugcina. Lokhu kungaholela kumjikelezo ophindaphindiwe wokuhlukumezeka.
Kule vidiyo engezansi, uDkt Treisman ukhuluma ngokubaluleka kokwenza ubudlelwano obuhle nokuthi abantu abadala bakudinga kanjani ukuphulukiswa ngokobudlelwano:
Olunye uphawu olusemqoka yimicabango engalawuleki. Lokhu kungabandakanya ukuphindaphinda izimpikiswano ezindala ezivela ebudlelwaneni nokukhathazeka ngokweqile ngalokho owawungakusho noma ukwenze ngokuhlukile, noma ukukhathazeka ngamaphutha owabe umlingani wakho wakudala akuholele ekutheni ukholelwe ukuthi unakho. Ungase futhi ukhathazeke ngokuthi abantu abasempilweni yakho bathembekile yini.
Kungakhathalekile ukuthi imvelaphi yale micabango, ingahle ithambekele futhi idale ukucindezeleka okukhulu.
Uma uke wahlukumezeka, kungenzeka ukuthi ukholwe ukuthi konke okwenzayo akulungile noma ukuthi noma yini engahambi kahle yiphutha lakho. Uma kunjalo, ungazithola uxolisa ngamaphutha alula noma uze uxolise lapho kungadingekile.
Ukuhlukumezeka kubuthinta kanjani ubudlelwano
Ngeshwa, ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano kungaholela emaphethini amabi noma imijikelezo ebudlelwaneni.
Lokhu kungenxa yendlela ubuchopho obuxhunywe ngayo. Njengoba ochwepheshe be-psychology bachazile, ngokuhlukumezeka okuphindaphindiwe, siba nokuzwela kakhulu emiphumeleni yokuhlukumezeka. Lokhu kungenxa yokuthi uma singalulami ekuhlukumezekeni, izintambo ebuchosheni ziyashintsha, zisibangele ukuthi siqale "impendulo yokusinda" uma sizizwa sisongelwa.
Impendulo yokusinda ibangela ukusabela okuvela ebuchosheni okubizwa ngokuthi i-amygdala, kusenze silwe noma sibe nemizwa. Impendulo yokusinda kobuchopho inamandla amakhulu kangangokuba singabheka ukungqubuzana kobudlelwano njengosongo ekusindeni kwethu.
Lapho singacubunguli siphinde silapheke ekuhlukumezeni ebudlelwaneni, izinguquko eziningi zenzeka ngaphakathi kwethu okungathi zithinte ubudlelwano:
- Siba nozwelo kangangokuthi noma yikuphi ukungqubuzana noma isimo esisikhumbuza ngokuhlukumezeka kungaqhuma, njengokumemeza noma ukulwa.
- Abanye abantu kungenzeka bangalwi kepha kunalokho bavale bese behoxa lapho impendulo yengqondo isetshenziswa.
- Ekugcineni kuholela kuphethini yokuziphatha okungekuhle.
- Ukungqubuzana okuqhubekayo ebudlelwaneni
Ake sithi, uma uzizwa usongelwa kakhulu noma unqatshelwe ebudlelwaneni obubodwa uze uqale ukuhoxa noma ulwe lapho kuvela uphawu lokuqala lwenkinga, ebudlelwaneni bakho obulandelayo, ungabheka amaphutha athembekile noma izingxabano ezincane njengezisongela, bese kuthi zona ziqhume kumlingani wakho omusha. Lokhu kudala iphethini engemihle.
Impendulo yokuhlukumezeka futhi ingadala iphethini engeyinhle ebudlelwaneni obuhlukumezayo, ngaleyo ndlela iqhubekisele phambili umjikelezo wokuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano.
Isibonelo, uma ujwayele ukuzizwa usongelwa ukwaliwa umlingani wakho noma ukuphawula okululazayo, ubuchopho bakho bungazwela ngokweqile ekuhlukumezeni.
Lokhu kusho ukuthi noma ngabe umlingani wakho engaziphathi ngendlela esongelayo, ungabona ukwenqatshwa noma ukungqubuzana bese uqala ukulingisa kumlingani wakho. Lokhu kudala ukungqubuzana okuqhubekayo futhi kuba iphethini elibi ebudlelwaneni.
Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, kungadala ukuthi ububuke kabi bonke ubudlelwano. Ngemuva kwalokho ungahle uzizwe sengathi akukho muntu ongamethemba, ngakho-ke uyahoxa noma uvele ngamandla ukuze uzivikele. Lokhu kungalimaza noma yibuphi ubudlelwano futhi kuholele kuphethini wobudlelwano obungeyona impilo, obungajabulisi.
Ungaphulukisa kanjani ekuhlukumezeni kobudlelwano
Ngenkathi ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano kungadala izimpawu ezicindezelayo namaphethini amabi, kungenzeka ukubuyisa ubuchopho futhi uphulukise ekuhlukumezeni. Ngokusho kochwepheshe bokuhlukumezeka, ubuchopho babantu abadala buyakwazi ukuzilungisa ngemuva kokuhlukumezeka. Lokhu kudinga ukuthi wenze imikhuba emisha noma ucabange ngezinto ngokwehlukile.
Ukulungiswa kokuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano, ngakho-ke, kudinga umzamo kuwe. Lokhu kungasho ukuthi kufanele ume kancane ngaphambi kokuphendula ngesikhathi sengxabano noma sengxabano.
Esikhundleni sokusabela ngokushesha, kungadingeka ukuthi uziqeqeshe ukuthatha isikhashana uhlaziye ukuthi usengozini ngempela yini noma ngabe lokhu kumane kuyimpikiswano ejwayelekile. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, le nqubo kufanele izenzekele ngokwengeziwe njengoba ubuchopho buyaphola.
Uma uthathe isinqumo sokuhlala ebudlelwaneni yize ubhekene nemiphumela emibi yokuhlukumezeka, kuzofanela ukulungele ukubekezela nomlingani wakho.
Ekuqaleni, ungahle ungazizwa unethemba ngenqubo yokwelashwa, kepha njengoba ubona umlingani wakho enza izinguquko, uzoqala ukuzizwa ungcono ngokuhamba kwesikhathi.
Uma ubhekene nokulungisa, kubalulekile ukuthi ugxile kokwamanje futhi uqhubekele phambili, kunokuba ukhanyise ubuhlungu obudlule. Njengoba wakha amaphethini amasha amahle nomlingani wakho, ukulinda kuzoba yinto evamile.
Uma usalungiswa kokudlule, ungabuyela kalula kumijikelezo engemihle, yingakho kubaluleke kakhulu ukugxila kuzinguquko ezinhle ezenzeka manje.
Ekugcineni, uma uthola ukuthi awukwazi ukwelashwa ngokwakho ekulimaleni, kungadingeka ukuthi ufune ukwelulekwa ngokwengqondo.
Ake sithi uzithola ubhajwe kumjikelezo wokubuka ubudlelwano ngendlela engafanele futhi uphendula ngemizwa yakho yokuphila ngisho nalapho ubhekene nengxabano encane. Kuleso simo, kungahle kube yisikhathi sokubamba iqhaza ekwelulekeni ngazinye ukukusiza uphole kukho.
Uma ulwa nokuhlukumezeka ngaphakathi kobudlelwano, ukwelulekwa kwezithandani kungakusiza wena nomlingani wakho ukuthuthukisa izindlela ezinempilo zokuxhumana.
Imiqondo emi-3 yabasinde ekulimaleni kobudlelwano obunempilo
Kuyo yonke inqubo yokulungisa ukuhlukumezeka, kuyasiza abasindile ukugcina eminye imiqondo esemqoka engqondweni. Nazi ezintathu eziphezulu:
1. Ukuhlukumezeka kwakungelona iphutha lakho
Abasindile ebudlelwaneni obuhlukumezayo kaningi benziwa ukuthi bakholelwe ukuthi bayahlanya noma abalufanele uthando. Lokhu kungabenza bazizwe ukuthi ngandlela thile bekufanele bahlukunyezwe nokuthi ukuhlukumezeka bekuyiphutha labo.
Lokhu akukaze kube njalo. Akekho onelungelo lokukuhlukumeza, futhi umhlukumezi uzophendula ngezenzo zakhe.
2. Ubudlelwano abuphephile ngokwemvelo
Lapho ubhekene nobudlelwano obuhlukumezayo, ikakhulukazi ngokuqhubekayo, ungaqala ukukholelwa ukuthi bonke ubudlelwano abubi, buhlukumeza, noma bugcwele izingxabano. Lokhu akunjalo. Kungenzeka ube nobudlelwano obunempilo obungenakho ukungabi nalutho.
3. Akuzona zonke izingxabano eziwuphawu lwenkinga
Ngokufana nokuthi ungaqala ukubheka bonke ubudlelwano njengobungebuhle, ukuphindaphinda ukuhlukumezeka kungakwenza ukholelwe ukuthi konke ukungqubuzana kuyisongo noma uphawu lwezinkinga. Lokhu futhi akulona iqiniso.
Okunye ukungqubuzana kulindelekile ebudlelwaneni obunempilo, futhi akusho ukuthi udinga ukulwa, ukubuyela emuva, noma ukuzizwa ungaphephile. Kunzima ukungazizwa usongelwa uma udweshu belunobuthi esikhathini esedlule, kepha ungafunda izindlela ezintsha zokucabanga ngezingxabano, ngakho-ke uyakwazi ukuphendula ngokunengqondo.
Ukugcina le miqondo engenhla engqondweni njengoba uqhubekela phambili usuka enhlekeleleni kungakusiza ukuthi wakhe izindlela ezintsha zokucabanga ngobudlelwano. Ngokulandelayo, uzozibheka nobudlelwano ngendlela enhle, okuholele ekutholeni ubudlelwano obunempilo ngokuzayo.
I-PTSD, ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano, nomphumela ebudlelwaneni
Kubalulekile ukuqaphela umehluko phakathi kwengcindezi yangemva kokuhlukumezeka (PTSD) nokuhlukumezeka kobuhlobo. I-PTSD yisimo sempilo yengqondo esixilongwayo lapho umuntu engazilimaza ukuze agweme ukukhumbula isehlakalo esibuhlungu.
I-Post-traumatic relationship syndrome (i-PTRS), ngakolunye uhlangothi, imvamisa ibandakanya abantu abakhumbula ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano ngokweqile, bakwenze kube ngendlela ehluke kakhulu kwi-PTSD.
Umuntu one-PTSD uvame ukugwema ukuhlukumezeka, kanti umuntu onenkinga uzoba nokuthambekela kokukhumbula ukuhlukumezeka kuze kube sezingeni lokuthi kube yingozi.
Kwesinye isikhathi abantu bangabheka i-PTSD ne-PTRS njengokufana, kepha akufani ngokuphelele.
I-PTRS ingahle ibe nezici ezithile ze-PTSD, kepha yisimo esihlukile, ikakhulukazi ngoba akuyona inkinga yempilo yengqondo eyaziwayo ngokusemthethweni futhi ithambekele ekuhlangabezaneni nazo zonke izindlela zokuxilonga ze-PTSD. Abanye abantu bangacabanga nge-PTRS njenge-PTSD ebudlelwaneni.
I-PTSD nokuhlukumezeka kobudlelwano kungadala imiphumela emibi ebudlelwaneni.
Isibonelo, umuntu ophethwe yi-PTSD angaba namaphupho amabi noma abhekane nesigameko esibuhlungu, ahlangabezane nemizwa emibi njalo efana nentukuthelo noma ukwesaba, bese eqala ukuhoxa emisebenzini ejwayelekile noma azihlukanise nabanye. Le miphumela emibi ingalimaza ubudlelwano ngokuqondakalayo.
Umuntu one-PTSD angahoxa kumlingani wakhe noma enze ngokuthukuthela ngenxa nje yomoya ongemuhle ophikelelayo.
Ukuhlukumezeka okunjalo futhi kuholela ezinkingeni zobudlelwano, kepha lolu hlobo lokuhlukumezeka luvame ukudala umthelela oqondile ebudlelwaneni, njengaleyo miphumela elandelayo:
- Ukuzizwa uthukuthele ngomlingani wakho
- Ukubambeka kumjikelezo omubi wokuxhumana ebudlelwaneni
- Ukungabi nethemba ebudlelwaneni
- Ukuhoxa ngesikhathi sezingxabano
- Ukuzizwa usongelwa ngamaphutha amancane noma ukungavumelani nomlingani wakho
- Ukuqhuma kumlingani wakho ngezinto ezibonakala zincane
Uma uphila nemiphumela yokuhlukumezeka ebudlelwaneni, thola induduzo ngokwazi ukuthi ungaphola. Ubudlelwano obunempilo ngemuva kokuhlukumezeka kungenzeka uma uzibophezele ekufundeni izindlela ezintsha zokucabanga nokusondela ebudlelwaneni bakho.
Uma unenkinga yokuphulukiswa wedwa, umelaphi noma isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esinekhono ekuphulukiseni singakusiza ukuthi uqhubekele phambili.