Ngabe ufuna ukuthi yonke into iphelele futhi ibe nokuthula ebudlelwaneni bakho ngaphambi kokuthi, "Ngiyakwenza?" Kuthiwani uma ngikutshela ukuthi iningi lezingxabano ebudlelwaneni ziphindaphindeka?
Umcabango wokuba nokuphikisana okufanayo kaninginingi impilo yakho yonke uyasabisa. Ngakho-ke kubalulekile ukwazi ukuthi ubhalisela ini. Yize ungeke uze uxazulule inkinga — ungazikhiphi izinwele zakho njengamanje — unekhono eliphelele lokufunda ukuthi ungalisingatha kanjani kangcono ngaphandle kwengcindezi encane!
Iqiniso ukuthi kunezinkinga kuyo yonke imishado ngenxa yokwehluka kobuntu nendlela yokuphila. Ngokocwaningo lukaDkt John Gottman, ama-69% ezinkinga zobudlelwano ahlala njalo. Lokho kusho ukuthi akunangqondo ukucabanga ukuthi udinga yonke into ixazululwe ngaphambi kokushada.
Masilahle igama elithi "sombulula" sonke ndawonye, bese sisebenzisa "ukuphatha" esikhundleni salokho uma ukhuluma ngalezi zinkinga ezijwayele ukubuyiselwa emuva. Ukuze ube nomshado ophumelelayo, udinga ukusuka ezingxabanweni eziqhumayo eziholela ekuphawuleni okulimazayo, intukuthelo nokunqamula ekuxhumaneni okusebenzayo.
UDkt. John Gottman uthole ukuthi ukuhoxa okungokomzwelo nentukuthelo kungaholela esehlukanisweni esikude, cishe eminyakeni eyi-16.2 ngemuva komshado, kodwa izindlela ezine zokuziphatha, azibiza ngokuthi “abagibeli bamahhashi abane be-apocalypse,” zingaholela ekuhlukaniseni kusenesikhathi — nje Iminyaka 5.6 emva komshado. Lokhu ngokuqinisekile akuyona injabulo eyake yaba khona emva kwalokho ocabanga ngakho!
Izindlela zokuziphatha ezingadala isehlukaniso ezifakwe kuhlu nguDkt.John Gottman yilezi:
Ukugxekwa: Ukusola noma ukuhlasela ubuntu noma isimilo somlingani wakho (isb. “Awusoze wageza izitsha, uyavilapha!”)
Ukudelela: Ukukhuluma nomlingani wakho ususikhundleni sokuphakama ngokubukela phansi noma ukwehlisa amandla, okubandakanya nolimi lomzimba olubi, njengokuqengqiswa kwamehlo, nokubhuqa okulimazayo (isb. “Angikaze ngikwenze lokho, uyisilima esinjalo!”)
Ukuzivikela: Ukuzivikela ngokudlala isisulu noma ukuzithethelela ukuze uvikele ekuhlaselweni okubonakalayo (isb. “Bengingeke ngikhale uma ungazange ucindezele izinkinobho zami kuqala”)
Ukwakhiwa kwamatshe: Ukucisha noma ukuhoxa ngokomzwelo ekusebenzisaneni (isb. Ngemuva kokuthi umfazi egxeke umyeni wakhe, ubuyela emhumeni wendoda yakhe esikhundleni sokumphendula noma ukumnika impendulo ayifunayo)
Ukuhlangabezana nentukuthelo yomlingani wakho ngenzondo kuqeda ukwethembana namandla akhe okuba sengozini ebudlelwaneni, okuholele ekwehliseni ukusondelana nokuxhuma. Ngokushesha lapho usanda kushada, kubalulekile ukuthi ufunde ukuphatha izingxabano kuyindlela enempilo.
Ungabagwema abagibeli bamahhashi abane ngokuqaphela ngokwengeziwe ukuthi uyiqala kanjani ingxoxo. Imvamisa, uhlanganyela kulezi zindlela zokuziphatha ezingathandeki ngoba imizwa yakho ibangelwa. Okuthile okwenziwe umlingani wakho (noma ongakwenzanga) kukucasulile. Ujwayele ukuthukuthela lapho okuthile kubalulekile kuwe, futhi kuzwakala kabi, kungavunyelwa, noma kuthathwa njengokungabalulekile ngumlingani wakho.
Uma ukhulumisana ngokuhlanganyela komunye wabagibeli bamahhashi abane, umlingani wakho uphendula kulokhu kuziphatha okungafanele, kunodaba olusemqoka olubalulekile kuwe. Lapho nje umlingani wakho ezizwa ehlaselwa, esolwa, noma egxekwa, uzodubula, avale, noma avikele, kunokulalela okukucasulayo kwasekuqaleni.
Kunconyiwe - Inkambo Yangaphambi Komshado
Ngokuzayo lapho uvutha, khumbula impendulo yakho enokhahlo ezenzekelayo, bese uzama ukuqala ingxoxo emnene ngokwengeziwe, uyiphindaphinde ngokusebenzisa indlela elandelayo yezinyathelo ezintathu:
NGIYAZWA ... (yisho imizwa)
MAYELANA ... (chaza isimo esidala umuzwa, kunokuchaza amaphutha ophathina wakho)
NGIDINGA ... (chaza ukuthi umlingani wakho angakusiza kanjani ukuthi uzizwe ungcono ngodaba)
Isibonelo, umyeni wami ungumuntu onobuhlakani kunami, kepha kunokuba acabange ukuthi ukwenzela ukucindezela izinkinobho zami ngonya, ngiyavuma ukuthi umehluko endleleni yokuphila. Indlu engcolile ingenza ngizizwe ngikhungathekile futhi ingivimbela ekuphumuleni, kanti yena angahlala ezinxushunxushwini — kumane kuyintando yomuntu siqu!
Ngangimemeza, ngifune, futhi ngimgxeke ngakho, kepha ngifundile ukuthi akusiyisi ndawo. Esikhundleni salokho, ngisho okuthile okufana nokuthi, “Ngizizwa ngicasukile ngezitsha ezisele etafuleni lekhofi. Ngidinga ukuthi uwafake emshinini wokuwasha izitsha ukuze ngizizwe ngikhululeke ngokwengeziwe. ” Ngikuthola futhi kuyasiza ukuxhumana nomugqa wesikhathi wokuthi ngilindele ukuthi lokhu kwenzeke nini. Akekho umuntu ofunda ingqondo, ngakho-ke kufanele ubeke okulindele ngaphandle, uxoxisane, futhi uvumelane ngakho.
Manje isikhathi sakho! Khumbuza ezinye zezinkinga zakho ezingapheli. Usebenzisa le ndlela enezinyathelo ezintathu, cabanga ukubhekana nalezi zinkinga ngendlela entsha, ethambile. Umsebenzi wakho ukuletha lolu lwazi ukuze umlingani wakho ezwe, aqonde futhi azwele ngolwazi lwakho lomzwelo.
Uma ugxila emizweni yakho ngesihloko oseseduze futhi ukhombe ngokusobala ukuthi umlingani wakho angasiza kanjani, angakwazi ukuzibandakanya nawe ngaphandle kokuzivikela, ukugxeka noma ukuhoxa. Yilapho izingxoxo ezikhiqizayo kanye nokuyekethisa kwenzeka. Ukuze uvikele umshado ophumelelayo, kufanele futhi ufunde ukuthi yiziphi izikhathi ezinhle kakhulu zokuphakamisa inkinga. Isikhathi siyikho konke!
Uma ngifika kumyeni wami mayelana nezitsha ezingcolile lapho efika nje ekhaya evela emsebenzini futhi enengcindezi, elambile futhi ekhathele, ngithola impendulo ehluke kakhulu kunaleyo uma izidingo zakhe zomzimba zihlangatsheziwe futhi sijabulela ubudlelwano bomunye nomunye.
Izikhathi eziningi, imibhangqwana iletha izingqinamba lapho sezivele zivutha futhi zikhungathekile. Umthetho wami ukuthi uma ungakwazi ukukhuluma nomlingani wakho ngezwi elipholile ngoba uyamemeza noma uyakhala, awukakulungeli ukuba nengxoxo. Kulungile ukuthatha isikhathi ukuze uphole futhi uziqoqe, kepha udinga ukuxhumana ngokucacile kumlingani wakho ukuthi lokhu kubalulekile kuwe futhi uhlela ukubuya uzokhuluma ngakho. Into yokugcina oyifunayo ukuthi umlingani wakho acabange ukuthi uyayishaya — lokhu kuholela emuva emikhubeni emine yabagibeli bamahhashi!
Inhloso yakho ngalezi zinkinga ezingapheli ukuyeka ukuzibandakanya ngezindlela ezilimazayo zokuxhumana, nokwandisa ukuxhumana okuhle, njengokuhlala uvulekele ukuthonya, ukuqinisekisa umlingani wakho, ukuzwelana nemizwa yakhe, nokuxhasana.
Ekugcineni, nobabili niyayikhathalela injabulo yomunye nomunye — yingakho nishada, akunjalo? Khumbula, ukuqembu elifanayo!