-Delile
- Ukugxekwa
- Ukudelela
- Ukuzivikela
- Ake sibheke leli cala elingezansi njengesibonelo:
- I-Stonewalling
- Isilinganiso somlingo othandweni ngu-5: 1
- Ukwenza umzamo wokugxila kokuhle kunokuba kubi
- Khulisa ukuxhumana okunothando nomlingani wakho
Sikhonjelwe ekukholweni ukuthi ukuhambisana komunye nomunye yikhona kuphela okuzonquma ukuthi kungani imishado iphumelela noma yehluleka.
Kodwa-ke, lokhu kungumbono oyiphutha.
Ukubona inani labantu abadivosa kufanele kukwenze ucabange ukuthi 'Ingabe kukhona okwengeziwe emshadweni kunokuhambisana nje?' Ingabe zikhona ezinye izinto eziholela ekutheni kungani imishado iphumelela noma yehlule?
Kwenziwe ucwaningo oluningi ngomshado nokuthi kungenziwa kanjani ukuthi imishado isebenze okuthole ukuthi kunenqwaba yezici zokwenza imishado isebenze. Ngoba ubudlelwane buyinkimbinkimbi njengabantu uqobo. Okuningi kwalolu cwaningo lwaluholwa nguDkt John Gottman.
UDkt John Gottman uthathwa njengegunya lokwelashwa komshado ukuthi angaqagela umshado wabashadikazi ukuthi uzophumelela noma uzohluleka. Kwenye ifomethi yezivivinyo zakhe, uzocela imibhangqwana ukuthi ilwe.
Udokotela ucela imibhangqwana ukuba ilwe. Kuyinqaba kanjani, akunjalo? Okukhethekile njengoba kungase kubonakale, ukubuka imibhangqwana ngesikhathi sokulwa kuveze izinkomba ezibaluleke kakhulu ezisize ukuqinisa ucwaningo ngomshado.
Umshado awugcini ngesimo sezulu esibalele, ubuye uhambise nezimpilo zakho, ngeziphepho ezinkulu noma ezincane.
Ukungqubuzana akunakugwenywa noma ngabe ubuhlobo bunelanga kangakanani
Okutholakele ocwaningweni olude lukaGottman kuveze izimpendulo ezilandelayo zokuthi kungani imishado iphumelela noma yehluleka:
Ukusebenza ngabagibeli bamahhashi abane be-Apocalypse
NgokweBhayibheli, Abagibeli Bamahhashi Abane be-Apocalypse bangama-harbingers noma amabika okuphela kwezikhathi.
Lokhu kube ugqozi kubabikezeli besahlukaniso bakaDkt John Gottman, okungukuthi:
Ukugxekwa
Ukugxekwa kuyindlela ewusizo yokulungisa ukuziphatha okungathandeki noma imikhuba. Uma kwenziwe kahle, amaqembu womabili azuza ukuqonda okuzoba yinzuzo kubo bobabili. Ngakho-ke, ukufunda ubuciko bokugxeka kuyikhono elibalulekile okufanele lifundwe bobabili abashadile.
Kunendlela yokuthi umuntu adlulise ukugxekwa ngaphandle kokuthi athethise noma enze oshade naye azizwe ebukelwa phansi.
UDkt John Gottman uphakamisa ukuthi esikhundleni sokukhomba umlingani wakho ngeminwe ngegama elithi “u ...”, qala ngokuthi “Mina” Ake sibheke lezi zibonelo ezimbili:
“Awusoze wasiza ekhaya noma ngezingane. Uvilapha kabi! ”
“Ngizizwa ngikhungathekile ngenani lemisebenzi yasendlini nokunakekela izingane. Ngicela ungisize? ”
Uma ubhekisisa imisho eyisampula engenhla ungabona ukuthi zihluke kanjani lezi zombili. Umusho wokuqala ngukuthi imisindo yokugxeka neyokulahla ithi: "Awukaze .. uyivila!". Kepha, uma sibheka umusho wesibili, siyabona ukuthi isikhulumi sabelana ngokwenzekayo kubo ngaphandle kokubeka icala kumlingani wabo.
Ukudelela
Uma sicabanga ngobudlelwano bomshado, sivame ukucabanga ngobudlelwano lapho abantu ababili bethandana kakhulu. Akunzima kangako ukungacabangi ngobudlelwano bomshado ngale ndlela, ngemuva kwakho konke, ukhethe ukuba nalo muntu impilo yakho yonke.
Asikaze sicabange ukuthi ukwedelelwa kuyinto ezoba khona ebudlelwaneni obunothando, akunjalo? Kepha ngokusobala, asilungile. Noma kukubi kanjani, ukudelela kwesinye isikhathi kuyangena ngisho nasebudlelwaneni obuqinile.
Ngokudelela, umlingani usho noma enza izinto ezihloselwe ukulimaza omunye umlingani.
Omunye wozakwethu angabonisa noma akhulume ngokuzithoba kumlingani wakhe ngenhloso yokwenza umlingani azizwe engafaneleki.
Akunandaba ukuthi umuntu unasiphi isisusa sokwenza indelelo, kufanele imiswe emikhondweni yayo ngaphambi kokuqedwa komshado. Ukwedelela yisona sibikezelo esikhulu sokuthi kungani imishado iphumelela noma yehluleka.Lokhu kuboniswa kokulandelayo:
- Ulimi olunenhlamba: umqambimanga, omubi, owehlulwayo, ononile, njll
- Ukuphawula okunobudlwangudlwangu: “Hawu? Ngiyesaba manje ... Kakhulu! ”
- Isimo sobuso: ukugoqa iso, ukuklolodela, njll
Uma ubudlelwano bakho bugcwele ukwedelela, kungcono ukuthi usebenzise inhlonipho eyengeziwe, ukwazisa okwengeziwe, nokwamukela kakhulu umlingani wakho esikhundleni sokugxila ezimfanelweni ezingezinhle zomlingani wakho.
Ukuzivikela
I-Psychology isitshela ukuthi kunamaqhinga amaningi esiwasebenzisayo ukuzivikela. Kunezinhlobo ezahlukahlukene zezindlela zokuzivikela eziwela ekuphikeni nasekulingiseni.
Ebudlelwaneni, sisebenzisa lezi zindlela zokuzivikela ukuzisusa emithwalweni yezinkinga ezivelayo.
Ngokudabukisayo, ngokuzivikela, iphuzu lokuphikisana liyakhishwa elenza ukuthi omunye umlingani alimale, angalimali, futhi angathandwa.
Ukuzivikela ebudlelwaneni kungabonakala lapho omunye umlingani ewenqaba ngokuphelele umthwalo. Lokhu kubenza bangaboni umphumela olethwe kumlingani wabo.
Ake sibheke leli cala elingezansi njengesibonelo:
U-Ellie: “Uthe sizodla isidlo sakusihlwa nabakwaCarter ngeSonto. Ukhohliwe? ”
UJohn: “Angikaze ngivumelane nalokho. Kungani uhlala usiqinisekisa ukuthi siyaya ngenkathi ungangibuzi. Uqinisekile ukuthi ngithe yebo kulokho? ”
Esibonelweni sethu, u-Ellie uzama ukuqinisekisa nomyeni wakhe ukuthi bazokuya esidlweni sakusihlwa. Kodwa-ke, uJohn wasebenzisa ukuzivikela lapho ebhekene naye, wabeka icala ku-Ellie (Kungani uhlala uqinisekisa ukuthi siyaya ngenkathi ungangibuzi?), Futhi waze wakhanyisa kancane.
Ukuzivikela kubonakala futhi lapho omunye umlingani eqala ukuphakamisa ezakhe izikhalazo ngenkathi izikhalazo zomlingani wakhe zingakaxazululwa okwamanje. Ukuziphatha esingakubiza njengokukhononda ngokweqile. Esibonelweni sethu esingenhla, uJohn uphakamise izikhalazo zakhe ngenkathi u-Ellie ezama ukukhulisa ezakhe.
Ngaphambi kokukhuluma ngengxabano, abalingani bayakhuthazwa ukuba bathathe isinyathelo emuva baphefumule. Zama ukwehlisa umoya bese uziletha esimweni sokuqwashisa lapho ungabona khona ukuthi umlingani wakho akakuhlaseli. Esikhundleni sokuzivikela, qonda, futhi uzwele.
Uma wenze okuthile okungahambi kahle, zenzele umthwalo wemfanelo. Umnikazi wephutha bese uxolisa ngalo.
Ukuxolisa ngephutha akususi umthwalo wephutha, kepha, kuvumela umlingani wakho ukuthi abone ukuthi uyawabona amaphutha akho nokuthi uzimisele ukuqhubekela phambili ngokubambisana nokuxolela.
I-Stonewalling
Esinye isibikezelo noma isizathu sokuthi kungani imishado iphumelela noma yehluleka yindlela yokuzivikela eqinile ebizwa ngokufanele njengokwakhiwa kwamatshe.
Ngokwakhiwa kwamatshe, umlingani uhoxa ngokuphelele futhi unqamula ngokuphelele emzimbeni ukukhombisa ukungavumi.
I-Stonewalling iyindlela yokuvikela evame ukusetshenziswa amadoda. Ama-85% wamadoda esifundweni sikaDkt John Gottman, ukucacisa. Kutholakale ukuthi abesilisa bavame ukuphendukela kulokhu ngoba amadoda akhetha ukungabalimazi omkabo.
I-Stonewalling kulula kakhulu ukuyenza lapho kushisa impikiswano, ikakhulukazi. Kodwa-ke, njengomlingani onothando, kunokuba umgoqe ngokuphelele umlingani wakho, ngenhlonipho cela oshade naye isikhala bese uqinisekisa oshade naye ukuthi uzobuya.
Lokho kuzwakala kangcono kunokuzwa iminyango eboshwe ngomkhumbi, akunjalo?
Isilinganiso somlingo othandweni ngu-5: 1
Ubuwazi ukuthi kunesilinganiso somlingo sothando? Isilinganiso somlingo ngu-5: 1.
Uthando-ke akusilo u-1: 1; ukuze ube nobudlelwano obulinganiselayo, qiniseka ukuthi kungu-5: 1, ufaka izenzo ezinhlanu zothando kukho konke ukuhlangana okungekuhle.
Vele, lokho kungumbambi wendawo, per se. Uma nikwazi ukwakha izikhathi zothando eziningi ngokwengeziwe ndawonye futhi nigcine ukuhlangana okungekuhle ezinqeni, umshado wakho ngokuqinisekile uzohlala isikhathi eside.
Ukwenza umzamo wokugxila kokuhle kunokuba kubi
“Ngiyamthanda umyeni wami, kodwa, kwesinye isikhathi angimthandi.”
Lesi sitatimende sisincenga nje ukuthi sibuze ukuthi angayisho kanjani into enjalo? Ungamthanda kanjani umuntu kodwa ungamthandi ngasikhathi sinye?
Impendulo kungenzeka ukuthi unkosikazi osesibonelweni ugxile kakhulu kokubi kunokuhle.
Kubudlelwano, izingxabano kanye nokuphikisana kuyinto ejwayelekile, futhi kwesinye isikhathi le micimbi ebudlelwaneni bethu yenza kube nzima ngathi ukuthi ‘sithande’ oshade naye.
Uthando lubalulekile. Uthando yilo olwenza ubudlelwano bukhuthazele. Uthando yilona olusenza samukele oshade naye. Ukuthanda, ngakolunye uhlangothi, kungaba nzima ikakhulukazi lapho abashadile sebedlule ezimpini ezinzima kakhulu.
Ukuthanda kuseyinto ebalulekile ebudlelwaneni noma ngabe sekuphele iminyaka beshadile. Ukuthanda othile lets, ubona izici ezinhle zoshade naye.
Ngakho-ke ungapheli lapho ngithanda khona. Ukugxila ezimfanelweni ezinhle zoshade naye kuzokusiza ukuthi ukhumbule ukuthi wazithanda kanjani kwasekuqaleni.
Khulisa ukuxhumana okunothando nomlingani wakho
Uma ujwayelene nezilimi ezinhlanu zikaDavid Chapman, ngakho-ke, ukuzwa isisho esithi "Uthando lusezenzweni" ngeke kukukhathalele. Kepha uma kungenjalo, ukukhombisa uthando kowakwakho kuphakathi kwezakhi zomshado othelayo.
Ukugeza izitsha emva kokudla kwakusihlwa. Ukukhipha udoti. Evuka evusa ingane ukulala. Konke lokhu kungabonakala ‘njengemisebenzi yasekhaya,’ kodwa kungaphezu nje kwemisebenzi yasekhaya. Lezi yizenzo ezibonisa ukuthi uyamthanda oshade naye. Ukubasiza endlini kungasho okuningi kakhulu futhi kuzodinga ukubongwa.
Ukuzwakalisa ukubonga kungenye isenzo sothando abangasenzelana abashadile.
Kucwaningo, ukubonga kutholakale kubaluleke kakhulu njengokuthanda nokuthanda. Ngokubonga, singabona ubuhle balowo esishade naye; futhi lolu hlobo lokuqashelwa luhamba ibanga elide. Ukubonga kuyisithako esisiza ukwenza isibopho somshado wakho siqine, futhi sijabulise ngokwengeziwe.
Bonga oshade naye bese ubona ukuthi ubuhlobo bakho buzohluka kanjani.
Izimfihlo zokwenza umshado wakho uhlale isikhathi eside azithembeli entweni eyodwa noma kumlingani oyedwa.
Ubudlelwano, ngegama uqobo lwalo, ukuhlangana kwabantu ababili ababoshwe uthando nokwamukelwa.
Emshadweni-ke, kubalulekile ukusebenzisana ngokuhlukana, futhi njengoba lokhu okuthunyelwe kusikisela, ukufunda ukulwa ngokulingana ngaphandle kokusebenzisa noma yimaphi amaHhashi amane – ukulwa ngaphandle kokugxekwa, ukwedelelwa, ukuzivikela, kanye nokuvimbela ngamatshe.
Kuphathelene nokwenza umzamo wokugxila kuzimpawu ezinhle zobudlelwano bakho kanye noshade naye; ukufunda ukwakha kusuka ezikhathini ezihamba phambili ukuvikela umshado wakho lapho kufika izikhathi ezimbi kakhulu.