-Delile
- Kunconyiwe - Gcina Inkambo Yami Yomshado
- 1. Ukugxekwa kungenye yezinto ezibalulekile ezahlukanisa isehlukaniso
- 2. Indelelo ifaneleka kalula njengomunye umuntu oletha isehlukaniso
- 3. Ukwakhiwa ngamatshe kungaba yisihlukaniso sesehlukaniso
- 4. Gwema ukuzivikela
- Ingabe kufanele ucabangele ukufuna usizo lochwepheshe?
Uma umshado wakho usenkingeni, kungenzeka ukhathazeke ngokuthi yini — uma ikhona — ongayenza ukuze unciphise amathuba okuhlukanisa. Kuthiwani uma othile ekutshela ukuthi kungenzeka ukubikezela amathuba edivosi ngokunemba okungaphezu kuka-90%? Manje ungagcina umshado wakho ngokugwema lezi zibikezelo ezine zesehlukaniso.
Uma kukhona okufana nemibhangqwana eminingi emishadweni enezinkinga, ungahle ungafuni ukwazi ukuthi ngabe useqenjini elinamathuba amaningi okuhlukanisa.
Uma ufuna ukusindisa umshado wakho, noma kunjalo, kubaluleke kakhulu ukwazi ukuthi iziphi izindlela zokuziphatha ezinamandla okuqeda uthando oluhlala njalo futhi ubone izimpawu ezikhanyayo zesehlukaniso.
Yazi izibikezelo ezibalulekile zesehlukaniso
Esikhundleni sokucabanga ukuthi ungawuqeda nini umshado, kufanele wazi ukuthi bangaki ababikezela isehlukaniso bese ubhekana nalezi zinkinga manje. Ngokwenza lokhu, ungawuthuthukisa kakhulu umshado wakho, konke ngenkathi unciphisa amathuba okuthi uzogcina usuwukhipha enkantolo yesehlukaniso.
Isazi sobudlelwano esidumile uJohn Gottman, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esisebenza nezithandani, sekuphele amashumi eminyaka sicwaninga ngomshado.
Ngemuva kokubona izinkulungwane zokuxhumana phakathi kwezithandani, uzimisele mayelana nezibikezelo ezine zesehlukaniso. Laba “bagibeli bamahhashi abane,” njengoba ebabiza kanjalo, bamenze wakwazi ukubikezela ngokunembile isehlukaniso ngisho naphakathi kwemibhangqwana ebonakala ijabule.
Uma usukulungele ukubuyisela umshado wakho esimweni esifanele, sekuyisikhathi sokubukeza lezi zibikezelo zesehlukaniso bese ushiya lezi zimilo ezimbi othulini.
Kunconyiwe - Gcina Inkambo Yami Yomshado
1. Ukugxekwa kungenye yezinto ezibalulekile ezahlukanisa isehlukaniso
Impela, sonke singabhala uhlu lwezinto esingathanda ukuzishintsha ngabalingani bethu.
Akukho lutho olungalungile ngokwemvelo ngokuzwakalisa ukukhathazeka njalo. Ukwenza kanjalo kungadala nengxabano yokudala eholela ezixazululweni zangempela.
Lapho ukugxekwa kuba yinto yansuku zonke, umshado wakho ungabhidlika ngokushesha. Ukugxekwa njalo kungenye yezimpawu zokuxwayisa ngobudlelwano obuhlulekayo.
UGottman uthi imishado enezinkinga imvamisa ibonisa ukuhlangana okungaba yisishiyagalombili okungekuhle kuyo yonke eminye emihle.
Ngamanye amagama, imibhangqwana enezinkinga ingakhalaza izikhathi eziyisishiyagalombili ngaphambi kokuncoma okukodwa. Isilinganiso esingcono, ngokusho kukaGottman, ukunikeza izincomo ezinhlanu ngesikhalazo esisodwa.
Ukuthatha? Akukho lutho olungalungile ngokukhuluma ngezinkinga zakho, inqobo nje uma wenza kanjalo esimeni lapho umlingani wakho ezizwa ethandwa futhi ehlonishwa. Uma uqhubeka nokushayisana, futhi wenqabe ukuzazisa ngemizwa yomuntu oshade naye, kungenye yezimpawu oqonde kuzo zesehlukaniso.
2. Indelelo ifaneleka kalula njengomunye umuntu oletha isehlukaniso
Lapho uhlala nothile usuku nosuku, kujwayelekile ukuthi uthukuthele kaninginingi.
Ukweyisa kuthatha intukuthelo isinyathelo esisodwa ngokuhlasela umuzwa womlingani wakho. Ukuziphatha okugxile ekudeleleni kuphatha umlingani wakho sengathi mubi esikhundleni sokubeka uphawu ekuziphatheni okuthile njengokuyinkinga.
Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, ukwedelela kuqeda ukusondelana futhi kuholele ekugxekweni okwengeziwe, ukuzivikela, kanye nokuvikela ngamatshe. Ukwedelela emshadweni, lapho wenza njengomlingani wakho kungasifanele isikhathi sakho kungahlukaniswa njengenye yezimpawu zomshado ezingajabulisi ozohlukanisa.
Gwema ukwedelela ngokugxila ekuziphatheni komlingani wakho.
Qaphela ukwedelelwa njengesibikezelo esikhulu sesehlukaniso futhi ungalokothi ubize amagama womlingani wakho, gwema ukumemeza, ukwenza izinsongo, kanye nokuziphatha okufana nokwehlisa isithunzi somlingani wakho. Ukwenza lokhu kungasiza ekusindiseni umshado wakho.
3. Ukwakhiwa ngamatshe kungaba yisihlukaniso sesehlukaniso
Kungokwemvelo ukufuna ukubalekela izingxabano.
Ubuchopho bethu bufakwe izintambo ukusikhuthaza ukuthi sigijime noma silwe lapho sicindezeleke kakhulu, kepha le mpendulo ingahle iwubhidlize umshado wakho.
Ukwehlukaniswa ngamatshe — ukwenqaba ukuxoxisana nokuqhubeka nokugwema izingxoxo ezingokomzwelo — kungawucekela phansi ngokushesha umshado wakho.
Kwande kakhulu lokhu kuziphatha ukuthi iziqondiso eziningi ze-pop psychology kanye nezobuhlobo zeluleka imibhangqwana ukuthi yamukele ukwakhiwa kwamatshe.
Kepha ukuvumela umlingani wakho ukuthi ahoxe ezingxoxweni ezingokomzwelo kuyindlela yenhlekelele futhi kungezinye zezimpawu okufanele uthole isehlukaniso.
ISwallwalling idlulisa umyalezo wokuthi umshado awubalulekile futhi nezinkinga obhekene nazo azixazululeki. Futhi ngoba ukuvalwa ngamatshe kuvala izingxoxo, ngokushesha kwenza izinkinga zakho zingaxazululeki, zikusondeze eduze kwegxathu lenkantolo yesehlukaniso.
Akukho lutho olungalungile ngokuthatha ikhefu lemizuzu engu-10 noma engu-20 uma ukhathazekile ukuthi uzothukuthela. Ngemuva kwalokho, noma kunjalo, udinga ukubuyela engxabanweni futhi ulalele ngesineke lokho okushiwo umlingani wakho.
Ukushiya, ukuvala shaqa nokudlala imidlalo yevidiyo, noma ukwenqaba ukuzibandakanya kungaholela osizini olwengeziwe - ukuqhwalela eqhweni kube yisibikezelo sehlukaniso esibulalayo.
4. Gwema ukuzivikela
Kungokwemvelo ukufuna ukuzivikela lapho uzizwa uhlaselwa.
Ukuphikelela ukwenqaba ukwamukela izicelo zikazakwenu zokushintsha indlela yokuziphatha, noma kunjalo, kufana nethikithi lendlela eya kwesehlukaniso.
Ukuzivikela kuvimbela ikhono lakho lokuxazulula ngisho nezinkinga eziyisisekelo, futhi kwandisa amathuba okuthi uziphathe ngendlela enesihluku noma ehlukumezayo - kamuva ube yisibikezelo sedivosi esingenakugwemeka.
Okubi kakhulu, ukuzivikela kuvame ukubangelwa isimo sezulu lapho elinye noma zombili izinhlangothi zizizwa zihlaselwa njalo, ngakho-ke lokhu kuziphatha kungakhombisa ezinye izinkinga eziningi.
Izimpawu zesehlukaniso esiseduze zifaka phakathi ukuzivikela ngokweqile nokuchitha imibono nemibono yomlingani wakho.
Esikhundleni sokuzibuza ukuthi yisikhathi sini sokushiya umshado, kufanele uhlose ukushaya lo mcabango wesehlukaniso.
Gxila ekutholeni izixazululo bese uvumela indawo yokulungisa izingxabano enempilo, noma ngabe ungakuthandi okushiwo umlingani wakho.
Akekho umuntu ophelele, kepha ukwamukela ukugxekwa kuyindlela yokubuyisela umshado wakho esimweni esifanele.
Akulula ukuziqhelelanisa nokuziphatha okulimazayo lapho uthukuthele.
Ukuhlala nomunye umuntu, noma kunjalo, kusho ukulungisa indlela yakho yokwenza izinto, noma ngabe kungathandeki noma kuphazamisa.
Isehlukaniso sibuhlungu ngokwedlula ukwamukela umthwalo wemfanelo noma ukwenza ukulungisa okuncane kokuziphatha, ngakho-ke gcina lokho engqondweni ngokuzayo lapho uzizwa ulingeka ukuba uphume.
Ingabe kufanele ucabangele ukufuna usizo lochwepheshe?
Yize kubalulekile ukusebenzela ukubuyisa umshado onempilo, kubalulekile futhi ukuthola impendulo yombuzo, wazi kanjani ukuthi ufuna isehlukaniso.
Ukukusiza ukuthola impendulo yombuzo othi, “wazi nini ukuthi isikhathi sesehlukaniso”, noma “ukwazi kanjani ukuthi udinga isehlukaniso”, kungasiza ukufunda le ndatshana ukuze uthole imininingwane ebalulekile yokuthi yazi udinga isehlukaniso.
Kunconywa kakhulu ukuthi ucabangele ukufinyelela kumelaphi womshado ongakusiza ekufinyeleleni ezimpandeni zezinkinga zomshado, futhi mhlawumbe ulondoloze ubudlelwano.
Kodwa-ke, noma ngabe nobabili ninquma ukuwuqeda umshado, umelaphi wezahlukaniso anganisiza ukuthi nihambisane nezinselelo ezingajwayelekile zalesi simo esingajabulisi, nilethe impumuzo kubudlelwano obunezinkinga, nenze ushintsho olubushelelezi futhi nivumelane nesehlukaniso.