-Delile
- Indlela esebenzayo yokwakha umshado ojabulisayo
- Umshado olula nokubaluleka kothando ezikhathini zakudala
- Ukwehlukana nesehlukaniso kaningi kuyizinketho kepha hhayi ngaphandle kobuhlungu
- Ingabe uthando lubalulekile ngempela emshadweni?
- Ungathola umbono omusha ngomshado wakho
- Zibuze ukuthi umshado wakho ubambekile yini
- Khetha iqiniso elingaphelele emcabangweni obonakala uphelele
Ngaphandle kwendawo yezinganekwane, imishado iza nobunzima nezinselelo. Okungenani yilokho engikufundile kokuhlangenwe nakho kwami nobuchwepheshe.
UCinderella noPrince Charming babonakala bemnandi kakhulu ndawonye, kepha njengoba kuhlolwe emdlalweni othi “Into the Woods”, ngemuva kwesikhashana nje ngemuva komshado, wavuma ukuthi ukuqeqeshwa kwakhe ukuba ngumuntu othandekayo akuzange kumlungiselele ukwethembeka nokwethembeka: “Ngakhuliswa ukuthandeka, hhayi ukuqotho. ”
Yize yonke imibhangqwana ifika ezinselelweni zayo kanye nasekuxabaneni, kungenzeka ukukhulisa lobu bunzima ngokubheka ukungaqondani abashade abanakho maqondana nesivumelwano sabo sokuqala.
Indlela esebenzayo yokwakha umshado ojabulisayo
Emakhasini alandelayo, ngizokuhlola lokhu ngokuningiliziwe bese ngizama ukunikeza okhiye abasebenzayo bomshado ophumelelayo.
Emasikweni endabuko, kwakuvame ukuba nomqondo womshado njengesivumelwano sobabili, imvamisa phakathi kwemindeni yalabo abashadayo. Kwamanye amasiko, bekunohlobo oluthile lwenkontileka oluchaza ngokusobala ukuzibophezela nezibopho ababesanda kushada. Kwesinye isikhathi, imiphumela yokungazigcini lezi zibopho ibhalwe ngqo, kufaka phakathi kwezinye izimo ukuqedwa komshado.
Umshado olula nokubaluleka kothando ezikhathini zakudala
Izinkontileka zomshado ezindala kwakuyisifungo esafakazelwa ngumphakathi omncane owawubalulekile empilweni yalowo muntu kanye nasempilweni yezithandani nemindeni.
Ngokwesiko lethu, abashadayo kaningi abanawo umphakathi obanzi ongaguquguquki ongasebenza njengobufakazi ezifungweni zombhangqwana futhi ubabeke icala ngokuzibophezela kwabo.
Kubukeka sengathi esikweni lethu lesimanje laseNtshonalanga, ukucaca kwaleyo nkontileka yokuqala kulahlekile enjabulweni yomhlangano, imikhosi, amathemba nemicabango ngohlobo lwenyunyana yesikhathi esizayo.
Kubalulekile ukuqaphela ukuthi esikhathini sethu, kukhona ukungazinzi okuqhubekayo kophiko lomndeni wenuzi. Kuze kube ngaphansi kweminyaka eyikhulu edlule, leyo yunithi futhi yayiyisisekelo sokwakha umnotho. Ikakhulu ngoba abesifazane bebengeke baphile ngaphandle komndeni, futhi ukuya ocansini ngaphandle kwezingane bekungelula futhi kulula njengoba kunjalo nanamuhla.
Iminyaka eyamukelekayo yokuya ocansini iya ngokuya iba nencane, kuyilapho ukuba mdala kubonakala sengathi kubambezeleka kuze kube seminyakeni yobudala. Lokho obekushiwo yiminyaka eyi-18 ubudala: ukuzibophezela, ukuphendula, kanye nokukwazi ukuzinakekela ngenkathi uyilungu lomphakathi elibambe iqhaza, manje sekwenzeka kaningi eminyakeni yobudala engama-30 uma kunjalo.
Izizathu zombili ezenhlalo nezomnotho namasiko futhi azikho ngaphezu kwalesi sihloko. Inkinga yomshado engiyihlolayo lapha ivame ukuhlobana nokubonakala okukhulu nokutholakala kocansi, kanye namandla amancane okulawula imizwa yokuhlangana kocansi okubandakanya.
Njengoba izibophezelo zingagagulwanga kahle kangako, futhi nesimo somphakathi ofakazayo sesishintshile, kulula ukucabanga ukuthi izifiso zomuntu ezingazi lutho kwakuyizithembiso zangempela ezazenziwa ngumlingani womshado. Omunye umlingani wayefisa ukuthola umuntu ozozinakekela futhi abanikeze zonke izidingo zabo zasemhlabeni, kepha lokho akukaze kuthenjiswe.
Omunye umuntu athandana naye ubengafisa ukuthi uthando, ukuthintwa, nobulili kuhlale kutholakala, kepha lokho akuthenjiswanga ngamabomu.
Okungangeza ekungaqondani mayelana nesivumelwano sokuqala ubuningi bamaqembu abandakanyeka kuso. Ngama-2000s okuqala, ifilimu ehlekisayo yaboniswa engqungqutheleni yezengqondo. Kuleyo filimu emfushane, umbhangqwana wakhonjiswa ndawonye embhedeni omkhulu. Ngasohlangothini lwakhe bekukhona nonina noyise kanti ngasohlangothini lwakhe bekukhona nomama nobaba wakhe. Laba bazali abane babehlala behlanganyela iziphakamiso zabo (ezimbi) nezeluleko nabashadikazi.
Abazali abafanele bayisibonelo esisodwa nje samandla angazi lutho athinta inyunyana. Lokhu kungabandakanya ukuqhutshwa kwebhizinisi, izifiso ezingokomoya, namaphupho okusindisa umlingani noma ukusindiswa yibo.
I-Internal Family Systems inolimi oluthandekayo ukuchaza lesi simo esidabukisayo. Lo mbono wezengqondo uchaza impilo yethu yangaphakathi njengoba inabavikeli abaningi kanye nabadingisiwe. Abadingisiwe izingxenye zomqondo wethu ezingazange zamukelwe imvelo yethu. Abavikeli yizingxenye esizidale ngamunye, ukuqinisekisa ukuthi ukuthunjwa kuphephile futhi ngasikhathi sinye siqinisekisa ukuthi leyo ngxenye ayibuyeli emuva kunoma iyiphi indima ebonakalayo.
Ngokusho kwe-IFS, lapho abantu behlangana nomlingani womshado balindela ukuthi izingxenye zabo ezidingisiwe zigcine zibuyele emakhaya futhi zibe munye, kepha-ke ngabakhuseli abangena ekuthengisaneni ngokufanayo, futhi bazimisele ukugcina abathunjwa abasha nababuthakathaka bephephile futhi kude ngangokunokwenzeka.
Esikhathini sethu, ama-taboos namahloni ahambisana nesehlukaniso ancipha kakhulu uma engasuswa ngokuphelele. Ngakho-ke inani elikhulayo lesehlukaniso lenza kube lula ngabantu abashadile ukuthi bacabangele isehlukaniso noma ukwehlukana ngobunzima obuncane.
Ukwehlukana nesehlukaniso kaningi kuyizinketho kepha hhayi ngaphandle kobuhlungu
Kepha noma ngabe lokho kuyinketho ekhethwayo, inqubo ihlale ingenabuhlungu. Lapho kunokubandakanyeka okujulile kwezezimali futhi ikakhulukazi lapho kunezingane, ukwahlukana kuba nzima nokuhlupheka kukhulu. Ukwethembeka, ukuvuleleka nokuhlonipha kunganciphisa ubuhlungu bokuzwana. Ukuzama ukufihlela izingane ukungezwani emshadweni, noma okubi nakakhulu, ukuhlala ndawonye “okwenzelwe izingane” kuhlale kulimaza futhi kwandisa usizi kubo bonke abathintekayo.
Kwezinye izimo isinqumo sokuqala sokuhlangana sasingavuthiwe noma sididekile futhi ukusidedela kungakhulula bobabili abalingani ukuthi bakhule futhi baqhubeke. Kwezinye izimo, ophathina bathatha izindlela ezahlukahlukene zempilo, futhi yize ekuqaleni bebengumdlalo omuhle futhi bejabule ndawonye, manje yisikhathi sokuthatha imizila ehlukile.
Ingabe uthando lubalulekile ngempela emshadweni?
Imvamisa abalingani bayazi ukuxhumana okujulile ngisho nothando nokuheha, kepha kukhona ukulimala okukhulu, amahloni nokuthukwa ukuthi umshado awusakwazi ukulungiswa.
Uma uzithola ukule ndlela eyodwa kulezi ezinzima emshadweni wakho, zibuze ukuthi yikuphi okulindelwe nezidingo zakho okungafezeki.
Uyakholelwa yini ukuthi umlingani wakho uthembise ukufeza lokho okulindelwe noma ukunakekela leso sidingo sakho? Zama kuqala ukukhuluma nomlingani wakho. Uma kukhona inani elisele ebudlelwaneni, lizokhula kuphela kusukela engxoxweni eqotho, noma ngabe leyo ngxoxo kungenzeka ibe yinselelo futhi mhlawumbe ibuhlungu.
Uma ingxoxo ethembekile nevulekile ingabonakali iyindlela esebenzayo manje, zama ukubonisana nomngani omethembayo.
Ungathola umbono omusha ngomshado wakho
Ungahle ubone ukuthi noma yini eseyigugu ebudlelwaneni idlula ubunzima, ukuqonda okungaholela ekuphulukisweni nasekutholakaleni kwendlela ebuyela ebumnandini, enjabulweni nasenjabulweni. Ungase futhi uthole imvume yokubona ukuthi ukwahlukana kuyindlela engcono bese uqhubeka nakho.
Abashadile bavame ukulindela ukuthi abalingani babo bafeze zonke izidingo zabo. Ukuqamba izidingo zakho ezingagcwaliseki, futhi uze ulinganise ukubaluleka kwazo, kungasiza ukubona ukuthi ezinye izidingo ziyahlangatshezwa ebudlelwaneni kanti ezinye zingafunwa kwezinye izindawo, kweminye imisebenzi, nakobunye ubungani.
Zibuze ukuthi umshado wakho ubambekile yini
Kungaba wusizo olukhulu ukuvuma okungenani kuwe, ukuthi umshado ubambekile. Awuthandi ukuba kuyo futhi uyesaba ukwenza ushintsho noma awazi ukuthi uzokwenza kanjani. Yize kukubi lokho kungeniswa, kungcono kakhulu kunokuzenzisa noma ukugwema iqiniso.
Ngokwemvelo, uma ukubona ukubambeka komshado kungenziwa ngokubambisana nomlingani wakho, kungakusiza nobabili ukuthi nizizwe ngcono futhi mhlawumbe nibe nethemba elingokoqobo nohlelo olusebenzayo lokuya kulo.
Ukungaboni ngaso linye ngocansi; okungukuthi imvamisa, isitayela, kanye nabanye ababambiqhaza, yizizathu ezivame kakhulu ezisobala zokungezwani emshadweni.
Ukuxoxa ngodaba imvamisa akulula futhi kudinga amakhono nokuvuthwa. Imvamisa kuba nesibopho esihilela enye indaba ebalulekile njengezingane noma imali, okuthi uma ivezwa icace ngokusobala ithi: “Singathuthuka kanjani ngempilo yethu yocansi lapho singakwazi ukukhuluma ngo-x; singaxazulula kanjani x uma singayi ocansini? ”
Kuphawulwe, le catch22 izwakala iyisiphukuphuku, kepha kungaba yintuthuko enkulu ukwamukela empeleni ukuthi lesi yisimo sangempela. Lapho umbhangqwana unamathele kanjalo, omunye wabalingani udinga ukuthola isibindi sokuba sengozini futhi enze isinyathelo sokuqala. Lokho kungakhuthaza omunye umlingani ukuthi abe nesibindi ngokuzayo.
Asikwazi ukuba "nalowo esimthandayo" ngoba imvamisa lowo muntu uyinto esiyicabangayo.
Imvamisa sinamathiselwe ngokungazi kulowo mfanekiso futhi sinqena ukuwunikela ngeqiniso elingaphelele kangako lomlingani wenyama negazi. Ubhadane lwezocansi luyisibonakaliso salokhu kuqagela kanye namandla anciphayo okuhamba ngokuphepha phakathi kwamaphupho, izifiso, kanye neqiniso.
Imbongi kanye nothisha uRobert Bly weluleka imibhangqwana ukuba ibuyise ukubonakala kwayo. Lo msebenzi omnyama wethunzi uhlanganisa ukubheka ngezansi kobuso emaphutheni ethu nokwamukela nokuziphatha njengengxenye yobuntu. Kubandakanya ukubheka emehlweni ozakwethu, sabelane ngemicabango yethu emibi kakhulu nokungeneliseki, sivume ukuthi ingxoxo ingabalimaza futhi uzixolele wena nomlingani wakho ngokuba nobuntu futhi onamaphutha.
Khetha iqiniso elingaphelele emcabangweni obonakala uphelele
Ingxenye enkulu yokukhula ifunda ukukhetha iqiniso elingaphelele kunomcabango obonakala uphelele.
Lapho abashadile behlangana njengabantu abadala ababili, abahlukene kodwa abaxhunyiwe, bakha ndawonye into entsha, enkulu kunesamba sezingxenye. Bobabili bayazazi izidingo zabo nemingcele. Ngamunye unikela ngokukhululekile futhi wamukela ngokubonga, futhi ngaphandle kokulindelwe.
Bobabili abalingani bayazi amandla abo nokulinganiselwa kwabo futhi abazizwa benamahloni ngokungapheleli kwabo noma ngobuntu bomlingani wabo. Uhlobo olwehlukile lothando nenjabulo lungachuma kulolu hlobo lobumbano olunendawo eyanele yokufaka ukuzisola nokudumazeka.