-Delile
- Yini edingekayo ukuze uhlakulele uthando oluhlala njalo?
- Isheke langempela lothando
- Insimu isingathekiso esifanele
- Isebenza kanjani?
- Imingcele eqinile isiza ukukhuthaza ukusondelana
Mina nomkami uHelen sobabili sasazi ukuthi asithandani lapho sishada. Sasithandana futhi nakanjani sasiba nenkanuko. Kepha besingekho kulelo khanda phezu kwezithende uthando olumnandi oluvame ukwenziwa kahle kwabezindaba. Manje eminyakeni engama-34 kamuva ngihlala ngimbonga ngokungazi kwakhe ngokuba sempilweni yami. Ngikwenza lokho okungenani kaningana ngesonto. Lapho engena ekamelweni, ngiyakhanyisa ngaphakathi. Ungibiza “ngomphefumulo” wakhe futhi afunge ukuzama ukuzama ukungilandela ukuze abe nami uma kukhona impilo yangemva kokufa. Manje kwenzeka kanjani lokho? Okwenzekile ukuthi sobabili sihlakaniphe - sihlakaniphe ngokwanele ukuqonda isimo sangempela sothando oluhlala njalo nokuthi yini edingekayo ukuze lukhule. Sasiqonda ukuthi sidinga ukusebenzisa ikhono nokuyala ukuze sihlakulele uthando lwethu ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Akukho ukukhanya epanini ngathi!
Yini edingekayo ukuze uhlakulele uthando oluhlala njalo?
Ucwaningo olumnandi lwenzeka eNdiya ngo-1982. UGupta noSingh balandelela amaqembu amabili abasanda kushada ngaphezu kweminyaka eyishumi futhi bawaqhathanisa neRubin Love Scale. Iqembu elilodwa lishadele uthando elinye ngoba belihleliwe. Ungaqagela ukuthi kwenzekeni. Kwakungufudu nonogwaja indlela yonke.
Iqembu eliqale othandweni liqale ngothando oluphakeme futhi neqembu elihleliwe liqale phansi kakhulu. Eminyakeni emi-5 zazicishe zilingane. Eminyakeni eyi-10 iqembu elihleliwe lathola ama-60's ku-Rubin Love Scale kanye neqembu lothando endlini yangasese ngama-40. Kungani kwaba njalo?
Ukuhlangana akufakazeli ukuthi kuyimbangela kepha ngingahumusha ukuthi imibhangqwana ethandanayo iqale ngesisekelo esingelona iqiniso: Ukuqala kothando euphoria kudukisa umbhangqwana ukuthi ucabange ukuthi uthando lwesikhathi esizayo luzoza kalula. Ngeke kudingeke basebenze kanzima ukuyihlakulela nokuyivikela. Lapho ukwabiwa kwamandla kuqala futhi imibhangqwana engalawuleki iqala ukulinyazana, khona-ke imizwa engemihle iyaqoqana. Ukusola nokuhlazeka kuqeda ubuhlobo.
Lalela ukuthi syntax yethu yesiNgisi isho kanjani ukunganaki. "Sithandana" nothando. Kungaphandle kwethu. Mhlawumbe ngokwaphezulu “kwakuhloselwe ukuba khona.” Le syntax isho ukuthi asinacala kuyo. Uma u-Elvis eshiye ibhilidi ngakho-ke siphelelwe yinhlanhla.
Isheke langempela lothando
Entshonalanga cishe uhhafu wemishado uyophela ngesehlukaniso. Lokho akusho ukuthi enye ingxenye inenjabulo. Imibhangqwana eminingi ihlala ndawonye yezingane. Abanye bazizwa bevaleleke ekuhlaleni ngoba abakwazi ukuhlukanisa. Lokho kusho ukuthi bambalwa kuphela abashadayo abagcina uthando luphila eminyakeni edlule. Kuyiqiniso elibuhlungu.
Uma "okujwayelekile" kusho ukuthi ekugcineni ugcina ubudlelwano obungagculisi, lapho-ke kufanele ube nobuchule kunokujwayelekile
Ungacabangi ukuthi ungahlala ungena esimweni sothando olumnandi kuze kube phakade. Cabanga ukuthi kungaba ngcono ukuqhubeka nokuhlakulela imizwa yothando.
Iyini imizwa? Iqiniso elinembile kepha elingathandiswanga kangako ukuthi liyingqondo yomqondo wobuchopho. Imizwa yothando ifaka phakathi ukukhishwa kwe-oxytocin, vasopressin kanye ne-dopamine neurohormones. Izazi ze-Neuroscientist zikhombe ukuthi yiziphi izingxenye zobuchopho ezihilelekile. Isizathu sokuthola le geeky ukuthi isinikeza imodeli ngalokho okudingeka sikwenze.
Insimu isingathekiso esifanele
Cabanga ngale ndlela. Unengadi ezansi kokungazi kwakho. Iningi lemizwelo yakho likhula kule nsimu. Uzakwenu unaso futhi. Uma ufuna isivuno esikhulu se-oxytocin kuzodingeka ukuthi uvundise futhi unisele izingadi zombili. Udinga ukuyondla ngamava avusa imizwa yokusondelana nemfudumalo yomuntu. Lokhu okuhlangenwe nakho kungabandakanya ukuthinta ngokomzimba noma ngokocansi kepha iningi labantu abadala lidinga ukuthintwa okungaphezulu kwengqondo. Ukuphishekela kwakho ukwazi ukwazi incazelo yomuntu siqu kanye nesifiso sakhe engqondweni yomlingani wakho kungukudla okucebe kakhulu engadini yomlingani wakho. Ilukuluku mhlawumbe liyinsizakusebenza ebaluleke kakhulu ebudlelwaneni.
Kepha uma unengadi akukwanele ukuchelela nje bese ufaka umanyolo. Kufanele futhi uyivikele. Ukhula nezinambuzane zidinga ukubekelwa ngaphandle. Ebudlelwaneni bethu obusondelene kunamandla angazi lutho afana nokhula olunganciphisa uthando. Ikhula njenge-ivy noma i-kudzu uma singayigcini inciphise. Akwaziwa kahle ngababhali bobudlelwano kepha mhlawumbe kubangela imishado eyehlulekile ukwedlula enye into. Izazi zokusebenza komzimba zikubiza ngokuthi “ukuvimbela ukwenziwa.”
Isebenza kanjani?
Uma sesaba ukungavunyelwa size sivumele umlingani wethu asinikeze imiyalo esikhundleni sezicelo, asinike imithetho esikhundleni sokuxoxisana nathi, asitshele ukuthi sicabangani noma sizizwe kanjani kunokuba asibuze, aphazamise imisho yethu noma asenze senze umsebenzi ohlelweni lwabo lwezikhathi esikhundleni sezethu ....... lapho-ke ekugcineni sizobuswa ukulindela kwethu lokho okulindelwe nguzakwethu esikhundleni salokhu esikufunayo. Uma lokho kwenzeka siqala ukubuswa ukuphepha kwethu sifuna ukuquleka. Uhlelo lwethu lokuzivikela luthatha izintambo.
Siba irobhothi elijwayelekile eliphephile futhi esikindiki. Bangaki abantu oke uzwe bethi “Angisazi ukuthi ngingubani mina!” ? "Angazi ukuthi ngifunani." “Ngizwa sengathi ngimamelwa umoya!” “Ngizwa sengathi ngicwila emanzini!” Zonke lezi yizimpawu zesigaba sokuphela zalokho engikubiza ngokuthi "ukwenziwa kobuntu uqobo."
Isivimbelo nje simboze ingadi ngokuphelele. Izindaba kungenzeka ziqale ngaphambi kwaleli phuzu ngoba kuzwakala sengathi umoya-mpilo nempilo kuyabuyela kumuntu.
Kungumsebenzi wakho ukubhekana ngobunono nomlingani wakho lapho engena emingceleni yakho. Ozakwethu abenza lokhu banobudlelwano obungcono. Ngikucwaningile lokhu ngocwaningo engilunikeze amakhulu emibhangqwana. Ngicela umlingani ngamunye acabange ukwenza izitatimende ezingagunci ukunikeza omunye umlingani wakhe ukwenqaba (isb. “Ngiyenqaba ukuhamba nawe kulokho” noma “Angisoze ngavuma kulokho”). Ngemuva kokucabanga ukwenza ukwenqaba okunje ngibacela ukuthi balinganise ukukhathazeka kwabo.
Iphethini icacile.
Ozakwethu abanokukhathazeka okuncane lapho benqaba umlingani wabo yibo abanobuhlobo obuseduze kakhulu. Baxhumana okuhle kakhulu. Ozakwethu abakhathazekile ngoba ukwenqaba akuyona into “enhle” yibo abangakhulumisani. Kuyindida.
Imingcele eqinile isiza ukukhuthaza ukusondelana
Zigcina isivimbelo esingenzi lutho.
Kepha linda. Kukhona okunye okufanele ukukhumbule. Kukhona izingadi ezimbili, hhayi eyodwa. Yebo udinga ukugcina ukhula lungelwethu. Kodwa-ke, awukwazi ukunyathela izithombo ezisensimini yomlingani wakho.
Uma ubhekana nomlingani wakho ngokumbusa futhi umlulaze lapho-ke udala umonakalo. Uma uhlonipha futhi ukhuluma ngobuhlakani ubuhlobo buyavikelwa. Ngiqeqeshe imibhangqwana eminingi ukwenza lokho engikubiza ngokuthi ukubhekana ngokubambisana. Lolu hlobo lokuxabana lubandakanya omunye umlingani ocela omunye umlingani ukuthi azijwayeze ukulungisa imingcele yakhe. Imibhangqwana eyenza lokhu ivame ukuzwa ukwanda okuphawulekayo othandweni. Ngibonile imibhangqwana ehlukanisiwe ibuyisa uthando lwayo futhi ibuyela emuva futhi ngokuzibandakanya ngokubambisana ezingxabanweni ezihlekisayo.
Ngakho-ke ukhona. Unenketho. Ungakholelwa ukuthi uwela kumlingo noma ungakholelwa ukuthi ungadala okuthile. Uma uthandane ekuqaleni kobudlelwano bakho, lokho kulungile. Kuyisigaba esijabulisayo futhi esivame ukuba sesikhashana. Ngimane ngiphakamisa ukuthi uma uthando lwakho seluphelile ungathembeli ekubuyeni othandweni. Uzodinga ukuthi ube ngamabomu futhi ube nobuciko ngokwengeziwe.
Angisebenzisi igama elithi "ukudala" hhayi ngomqondo wokulawula ngokushesha kepha ngomqondo wokukhulisa, ukuvikela nokukhuthaza uthando. Lesi sakamuva sithatha inkuthalo efanele nokuzikhuza. Kepha kuveza isivuno esikhulu unyaka nonyaka, iminyaka eyishumi emva kweshumi. Yilokho mina noHelen esikujabulelayo manje. Sithemba ukuthi nawe ungakwenza.