-Delile
- 1. Okokuqala, khumbula ukuthi ushade nobani
- 2. Okwesibili, yiba nomusa nenhlonipho yangempela koshade naye
- 3. Okulandelayo, bhekani emehlweni
- 4. Okokugcina, uma yenza qala ukukhuluma futhi, lindela amanzi amabi
UJason ungumthengisi osebenza kanzima wezezakhiwo ophakathi kweminyaka engama-40. Sekuyiminyaka, unkosikazi wakhe oqotho uThabitha exhasa uJason njengoba ayakha ifemu yakhe, futhi muva nje ushiye umsebenzi wakhe wagxila kubuzali nasekhaya. Lesi kufanele kube yisikhathi esimnandi emshadweni wabo, kepha uJason uvame ukusebenza sekwedlule isikhathi, futhi lapho efika ekhaya, uThabitha ukwenye indawo: ngocingo, ukunakekela umakhelwane ogulayo, ukulala izingane zabo ezifunda amabanga. Ukhona yonke indawo lapho edingeka khona kepha ayikho indawo lapho uJason ekhona.
Kunesikhathi, ekuqaleni komshado, lapho uJason noThabitha baphikisana ngokufudumele ngamahora omsebenzi kaJason. UThabitha wayefika ekhaya enze isidlo sakusihlwa, kuthi lapho uJason efika, ngemuva kwamahora, uThabitha okhungathekile amshaye ngezinsolo zokuthi ubeyephi. UJason wayeyibhebhethekisa le ngxabano ngokuthukuthela kwakhe ngokumbamba lapho esekhathele. Ngamunye wabo, ekhungathekile ngokukhungatheka nokudumala, wayeka ukuzama ukuxazulula izinkinga. Abathandekayo babo bapholile bathula. Babebukeka kahle, bathi bayaphila, ngoba bekungasizi ukusho noma yini enye.
UJason uyaziqhenya kakhulu ukuthi angavuma ukuthi ulinyazwe yindlela angakaze ambheke ngayo, ngakho-ke ugxila emsebenzini wakhe futhi asishaye indiva isizungu sakhe. Imizamo kaThabitha yokwelulela ifinyelelwe, ngakho-ke uyahoxa futhi akhe eyakhe impilo ehlukile. UJohn Gottman encwadini yakhe, Izimiso Eziyisikhombisa Zokwenza Umshado Usebenze, angachaza lo mbhangqwana njengabantu abangakwazi ukuhlanganyela ngokomzwelo. Bephelelwe amandla ngenxa yokwehluleka kwabo ukuxazulula izinkinga, badele babuyela ezimpilweni ezifanayo. UJason noThabitha, enkingeni yabo ebandayo, bangahle babe senkingeni enkulu kunomshado onokulwa okucacile, ngoba abashadayo abaxabanayo kungenzeka ukuthi banokuzethemba okuthile abangabhekana nakho ezinkingeni. Okusiza lezi zithandani ezilwayo kungahle kungasizi imibhangqwana ebandayo yempi efana noJason noThabitha. Ngakho-ke kungenzeka yini?
Nazi izinyathelo ezine ezinganikeza ngomgwaqo omncane oya ekuxhumekeni
1. Okokuqala, khumbula ukuthi ushade nobani
UThabitha angahle acabange ngoJason, hhayi njengomuntu angamazi kodwa njengomuntu amthandayo. Angakhumbula uJason omehlo akhe ayekhanyiswe intshisekelo nesifiso ngaye. Yini eyakudonsela kusithandwa sakho? Ingabe kwakuyihlaya? Ukujula komlingiswa? Ukuzethemba okugxile? Lapho usukhumbule lowo muntu, ungafudumala futhi uhambele ngokwemvelo kothandekayo wakho.
2. Okwesibili, yiba nomusa nenhlonipho yangempela koshade naye
Njengoba ungena ku-barista, umuntu omgcinele umnyango uvule. Yiba nomusa. Isisa kuvame ukucatshangwa njengokupha kwabampofu, njengento enikezwa ngokukhululekile kulowo ohluphekayo. Cabanga ngokunikeza oshade naye ukunaka kwakho okucabangisisa nokunakisisa. Ngale ndlela, usiza oshade naye ukuba akhumbule wena.
Buka futhi: Kuyini Ukungqubuzana Kobudlelwano?
3. Okulandelayo, bhekani emehlweni
Bona ngampela isithandwa sakho. Bingelela lowo muntu ngamehlo akho noma ngokubingelela ngobungane lapho engena ekamelweni. UThabitha angahle akhumbule uthando olujulile olwanelisa ngaphakathi kuye: inkanuko, inkanuko, ukuthanda, uhlobo olugeleza lusuka emehlweni akhe njengomfula ukuhlangabezana nomthombo ongenalutho wokulangazelela kwakhe.
4. Okokugcina, uma yenza qala ukukhuluma futhi, lindela amanzi amabi
Idamu lemicabango nemizwa engashiwongo lingavuleka, futhi uma livuma, lalela futhi uzithathe ngokungathi sína izikhalazo nezicelo zomlingani wakho. Yamukela umoya wokuvuleleka nokungakhethi. Lesi akusona isikhathi sokuzivikela. UDkt Gottman uphakamise ukuthi amadoda, ikakhulukazi, angazuza ngokuthatha umthwalo wezikhalazo zomkabo. Vuleka; ungaxabani; yamukela ingxenye yakho enkingeni. UJason wehlise izikhalazo zikaTabitha ngaye esebenza ngoMgqibelo. Noma engasakhulumi, usabona ukuthi ukhungathekile. Angaziqinisekisa izingqinamba zakhe futhi avume, ikakhulukazi kuye, ukuthi angenza kangcono kunalokho anakho.
Ukwephula imbandezelo yokungahlukaniswa ngokomzwelo nokuvula inkhulumomphendvulwano, ungadinga usizo lomelaphi wezithandani. Ngenkathi uyithola, ziqondise ngokwakho ebunganeni. Khumbula umuntu owashada naye, umbheke emehlweni, usho amagama anomusa, uhlale isikhathi eside eduze kwakho, futhi ulalele futhi ubhekane nengxenye yakho ekukhalazweni komlingani wakho.