-Delile
- Ukugcina isilinganiso esingu-5 kuye kokungu-1 kokusebenzisana okuhle nokungalungile
- Okungenani, uchwepheshe wemibhangqwana omuhle uzokwenza kanjalo
- Kudingeka umzamo omkhulu ekuqaliseni kabusha ubudlelwane
- Indawo yokulawula
- Amakhono wokwakha nokugcina ubudlelwane obunempilo
- Dala umbono wobudlelwano
- Thuthukisa "Izivumelwano Zobudlelwano"
Ngokwami, ngikholelwa ukuthi ukwelashwa kwezithandani ezisebenzayo kubaluleke kakhulu uma kubhekwa izindleko eziningi zezomnotho nezabantu ezihambisana nesehlukaniso. Nginakho lokhu engqondweni, ngivame ukutshela amaklayenti ami ukuthi, “Uma ucabanga ukuthi ukwelashwa kwezithandani kuyabiza, mane ulinde uze ubone ukuthi isehlukaniso sibiza kangakanani.”
Iphuzu lami lokwenza lokhu kuphawula ngukuqinisekisa labo abasokola ebudlelwaneni babo ukuthi ukwelashwa kwemibhangqwana ephumelelayo, noma ngabe kubonakala kubiza ngaleso sikhathi, kungahle kube ngolunye lwezimali ezinhle kakhulu abake bazenza.
Noma umshado wakho wehluleka, izinto ozozifunda ekwelashweni okuhle kwezithandani zizosiza ekuthuthukiseni ubudlelwano besikhathi esizayo.
Ngasikhathi sinye, ngikholelwa ukuthi ukwelashwa kwemibhangqwana emihle kungabaluleka, ngikholwa nokuthi kungaba yingozi uma kungenziwanga kahle. Eqinisweni, uma umelaphi wakho engazi ukuthi benzani, empeleni bangabulimaza ubuhlobo bakho ngenqubo yokwelulekwa. Lokhu kwenzeka kakhulu lapho bekuqondisa ukuthi ubheke kakhulu ezinkingeni zobudlelwano bakho.
Uma bekwenza lokhu, ungaqiniseka ukuthi abaxhumani nocwaningo mayelana nokuthi yini edingekayo ukuthuthukisa nokugcina ubudlelwane obuqinile. A
Ukugcina isilinganiso esingu-5 kuye kokungu-1 kokusebenzisana okuhle nokungalungile
Abaphenyi abanjengoJohn Gottman (https://www.gottman.com) bakhombise ngamandla ukuthi ukwakha nokugcina ubudlelwano obunempilo, imibhangqwana kufanele igcine isilinganiso esingu-5 kuye ku-1 sokuthintana nokuxhumana okungalungile ukugcina "imizwa emihle" noma, yini abacwaningi babiza "imizwa emihle," ebudlelwaneni.
Unalokhu engqondweni, noma yiziphi izinto ezingezinhle ezenzeka phambi kukwelaphi- njengokuya phambili naphambili "uthe uthe" ukushaya phakathi neseshini - kungalimaza ubuhlobo.
Ngesikhathi sakho, umelaphi osebenzayo ngeke avele abuyele emuva akubuke ulwa nomlingani wakho.
Ungakwenza lokhu ngesikhathi sakho.
Okungenani, uchwepheshe wemibhangqwana omuhle uzokwenza kanjalo
- Thola izinkinga eziyinhloko, amandla obudlelwano angenampilo, amazinga wokuzibophezela, nezinhloso zakho
- Donsela ukunaka bese ukhipha zonke "izindlovu ezingafuneki ngaphandle kwegumbi" ngokuqinisekisa ukuthi nobabili niphilile ngokomzwelo, aninakho ukuba umlutha, anihlukumezani, futhi anihlanganyeli othandweni
- Fundisa noma ubuyekeze imigomo yobudlelwano obuyimpumelelo, kufaka phakathi izici zobudlelwano obunempilo, nobothando
- Siza ukuthi wakhe Umbono Wobudlelwano
- Akuqondise ekuthuthukiseni "Izivumelwano Zobudlelwano" ezichaza izinto ozozicabanga futhi uzenze ukuxazulula izinkinga zakho, ufinyelele izinhloso zakho, futhi uqaphele umbono wakho wobudlelwano.
Ukucacisa engikushoyo ngalezi zimpawu zokwelashwa kwemibhangqwana esebenzayo, ngizoxoxa ngendawo ngayinye kwezinhlanu ngokulandelayo:
- Thola izinkinga eziyinhloko, amandla obudlelwano angenampilo, amazinga wokuzibophezela, nezinhloso zakho.
Isisho esidala esithi “Funa Ukuqonda Ngaphambi Kokuba Ufune Ukuqondwa” siyasebenza lapha. Uma umelaphi wakho eqala "ukukusiza" ngaphambi kokuba baqonde kahle ukuthi kwenzekani, bangahle bakuse endleleni engafanele. Lokhu kungaba wukuchitha isikhathi nemali futhi, kungadala ingozi ebudlelwaneni bakho.
Kunamathuluzi amaningi ahlukahlukene abelaphi abangawasebenzisa ukukhomba ngokuhlelekile izinkinga ezisemqoka ebudlelwaneni bakho, kufaka phakathi inqubo engiyisebenzisayo eyaziwa ngokuthi i-Prepare-Enrich Assessments noma i-P / E (www.prepare-enrich.com).
I-P / E ihlinzeka ngemininingwane eyenziwe ngezifiso zobudlelwano, amazinga wokuzibophezela, ubuntu, izinkolelo zokomoya, kanye nezinhlelo zemindeni.
Ngoba ukuhlolwa okuphelele njengalokho okufakwe ku-P / E kuthatha isikhathi futhi kubiza imali, umelaphi wakho kufanele aqale inqubo ngokubuza ngamunye wenu ukuthi yiziphi izizathu zakho zokufuna usizo.
Lokhu ngikwenza ngokubuza umuntu ngamunye ukuthi yiziphi kulezi zimo ezilandelayo okufana nokuthi bafunani kuleli qophelo ebudlelwaneni babo.
- Ngabe ufuna ukwehlukanisa / ukuhlukanisa
- Yamukelanani ngaphandle kwemibandela — kuyilapho nisebenzela wena
- Xoxa ngezinguquko ezithile ngenkathi uqhubeka usebenza kuwe?
Uma iklayenti elilodwa noma womabili ekhetha inketho yokuqala ngichaza ukuthi ukwelashwa kwemibhangqwana ngeke kudingeke futhi, futhi, kubasize baqale inqubo yokunqamula ngokuqonda ngaphandle kwentukuthelo, intukuthelo, nentukuthelo evame ukwenzeka ngasekupheleni kobudlelwano .
Uma womabili amaklayenti ekhetha noma yikuphi kokugcina, ngichaza inqubo echazwe kule ndatshana, kufaka phakathi isidingo sokwenza ukuhlolwa okuphelele kwesimo sabo kusetshenziswa ukuhlolwa kwe-P / E.
Kudingeka umzamo omkhulu ekuqaliseni kabusha ubudlelwane
Kuleli phuzu lami elingenhla maqondana "nenani" lokwelashwa kwezithandani, umelaphi omuhle uzochaza kusenesikhathi ukuthi umzamo omkhulu, ukubekezela, nokuzinikela okudingekayo ukuqala kabusha nokwakha kabusha ubudlelwano kufanelekile ukutshalwa kwemali.
Yize ukutshela umbhangqwana ukuthi inqubo yokwelashwa izoba lula kungabakholisa ukuthi batshale imali ngezikhathi ezimbalwa, okwami ukuthi amakhasimende aholela ekukholweni ukuthi ukwelashwa kwabashadikazi kudinga amahora ambalwa nje futhi ukuzikhandla okuncane kubo kuzodala ukudumala kuzo zombili izinqubo zokwelapha kanye nemiphumela.
Lokhu kungenxa yokuthi ukwakha nokugcina ubudlelwano obunothando, obujabulisayo kungumsebenzi onzima odinga ukugxila nokuzinikela. Ngiyazi ukuthi lesi sandla sokuqala sinikezwe ukuthi mina nomkami besishade ngenjabulo iminyaka engama-40 +.
- Donsela ukunaka bese ukhipha zonke "izindlovu ezingafuneki ngaphandle kwegumbi" ngokuqinisekisa ukuthi bobabili nomlingani wakho banempilo enhle ngokomzwelo, abanakho ukulutheka, abahlukumezani futhi abahlanganyeli othandweni.
Ukwelashwa kwemibhangqwana ephumelelayo akunakwenzeka uma noma yimuphi umlingani enesifo sengqondo esingalashiwe, engumlutha wento efana notshwala, ehlukumeza umlingani wabo, noma ebandakanyeka othandweni.
Unalokhu engqondweni, umelaphi omuhle uzogcizelela ukuthi womabili amaklayenti avume ukuvumelana nezinkinga ezinjalo ngaphambi kokuqala imishanguzo.
Okungenani, uma womabili amaklayenti evuma ukuthi kunenkinga enkulu edinga ukuxazululwa nomunye noma omunye umlingani futhi, ngasikhathi sinye, balangazelela usizo ngobuhlobo babo, umelaphi (okungenani ngizo) ngiyavuma ukuqala ukwelashwa kwezithandani inqobo nje uma udaba ludingidwa ngasikhathi sinye.
Isibonelo, ngoba ngiphatha amakhasimende amaningi ane-diagnostic ehlobene nokuhlukumezeka njenge-PTSD, ngizovuma ukwenza ukwelashwa kwezithandani inqobo nje uma iklayenti elithola ukuxilongwa kokuhlukumezeka, ngesikhathi esifanayo, lihlanganyela ekwelashweni okufanele.
Indawo yokulawula
Udaba olungaqondakali okufanele ludingidwe ngaphambi noma ngesikhathi sokwelashwa kwezithandani ezisebenzayo, kwenzeka lapho oyedwa noma bobabili ebudlelwaneni bengenayo "indawo yangaphakathi yokulawula."
Ngo-1954 isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo, uJulian B. Rotter, wakhuthaza umqondo obizwa ngokuthi yi-locus of control. Lesi sakhiwo sisho ukuthi abantu bakholelwa ukuthi bangalawula kangakanani izehlakalo ezibathintayo.
Ngokuqondile, igama elithi "locus" (ngesiLatini "indawo" noma "indawo") licatshangwa njengendawo yangaphandle yokulawula (okusho ukuthi abantu bakholelwa ukuthi izinqumo zabo nempilo yabo ilawulwa ngengozi noma ngesiphetho) noma indawo yangaphakathi yokulawula (abantu bakholelwa bangalawula izimpilo zabo nokuthi baphendula kanjani kubantu, izindawo, nezinto ezingaphandle kolawulo lwabo).
Abantu abane- "locus yangaphandle yokulawula" bavame ukusola izinto ezingaphandle kolawulo lwabo (izenzo zabanye abantu noma imicimbi endaweni yabo) ukuthi bacabanga kanjani futhi banquma ukuziphatha kanjani.
Ebudlelwaneni, abantu abane "locus yangaphandle yokulawula" ngeke bathwale umthwalo wezinkinga ebudlelwaneni nenjabulo yabo.
Kuze kube bazimisele ukwenza lokhu bazozithola befuna ukuthi umlingani wabo enze lonke ushintsho futhi, bavume ukushintsha ngezindlela ezibenza bajabule.
Ngoba lesi simo sengqondo (indawo yangaphandle yokulawula) siyisibopho sokufa ebuhlotsheni obuningi futhi, okungenzeka ukuthi yisona sizathu esenza ukuthi umbhangqwana uhlupheke kwasekuqaleni, kufanele ushintshwe ngaphambi kokuba umbhangqwana uthole intuthuko enkulu.
Iphuzu lapha ukuthi uma noma yimuphi umlingani engathandi ukwamukela isimo "sendawo yokulawula yangaphakathi" futhi amukele isibopho sezinkinga abanamandla okuzilawula ebudlelwaneni, kufaka phakathi injabulo yabo uqobo, mancane kakhulu amathuba okuthi ukwelashwa kwemibhangqwana kubangele ukuthuthuka okuphawulekayo kwesikhathi eside ebuhlotsheni.
Kuze kube manje ngichazela amaklayenti ami ukuthi ukuze ukwelashwa kwezithandani kusebenze, kufanele bakwamukele ukuthi bobabili banesibopho esithile ezinkingeni zobudlelwano futhi, bakholelwa ukuthi akusikho okushiwo umlingani wakho noma akwenzayo okukujabulisa noma kukudabukise, yindlela okhetha ukucabanga ngayo futhi uphendule ngayo kulokho abakushoyo nakwenzayo okunquma umuzwa wakho wokuphila kahle.
Amakhono wokwakha nokugcina ubudlelwane obunempilo
Ukuze kusebenze futhi kusebenze kahle, womabili amaklayenti abhalise ekwelashweni kwezithandani kudingeka abe nokuqonda okuthile maqondana nokuthi yini edingekayo ukwakha nokugcina ubuhlobo obunempilo.
Lokhu kusho ukuthi, ekuqaleni, umelaphi kufanele enze "ukuhlolwa kobuchule bobudlelwano" ukunquma ukuthi ngabe umuntu ngamunye ebudlelwaneni unolwazi oluncane, amakhono, namakhono adingekayo ukuze aphumelele.
Nakulokhu futhi, ngisebenzisa ukuhlolwa kwe-P / E ukusiza ngale nqubo. Esinye isibonelo esihle sethuluzi elingasetshenziswa lapha yi-Epstein Love Competencies Inventory (ELCI) esetshenziselwa ukukala amakhono ayisikhombisa obudlelwano abacwaningi abahlukahlukene abasikisela ukuthi kubalulekile ekugcinweni kobudlelwano bezothando besikhathi eside: (a) ukuxhumana, ( b) ukuxazulula izingxabano, (c) ulwazi ngophathina, (d) amakhono empilo, (e) ukuzilawula, (f) ezocansi nezothando, kanye (g) nokulawulwa kwengcindezi.
Iphuzu lapha ukuthi noma ngabe iyiphi inqubo abayisebenzisayo ngoba kunamakhono athile umuntu okufanele abe nawo ukwakha nokugcina ubuhlobo obunempilo, umelaphi wakho kufanele akusize ngokuhlelekile ukukhomba nokulungisa noma ikuphi “ukusilela kwamakhono obudlelwano” njengengxenye yenqubo yokwelapha .
Ezinye izibonelo zezimiso ezihlobene nobuchule obubalulekile bobudlelwano engibhekisele kuzo zifakiwe lapha.
Dala umbono wobudlelwano
Encwadini yakhe ethi “Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples,” uHarville Hendrix wagcizelela ukubaluleka kwe “Relationship Vision.” Uma ngikhuluma iqiniso, angazi ukuthi imibhangqwana ingaphumelela kanjani ngaphandle kokungena ekhasini elilodwa ngokwenza umbono ofanayo.
Noma ngabe kubhaliwe phansi noma kumane kwaxoxwa futhi kwavunyelwana ngenye indlela engahlelekile, umqondo lapha ukuthi imibhangqwana ephumelelayo ngandlela thile yakha umbono owabiwe futhi okuvunyelwene ngawo walokho abuthatha njengobudlelwano obenelisa kakhulu, nobuthandana.
Ngamanye amagama, "basekhasini elilodwa" uma kukhulunywa ngezifiso zabo zokuthi bafuna ukuhlobana kanjani, izinto abafuna ukuzenza ndawonye futhi ngokwehlukana, izinto abafuna ukuzizuza, nalezo zinto ufuna ukuzihlanganisa.
Ezinye izibonelo zezinto ongahle uzifune zilandelayo izingane zethu esezikhulile.
Sihlanganyela emicimbini eyahlukene ndawonye, siyasekelana kukho konke esikwenzayo, sithembekile futhi sizinikele komunye nomunye, sithembekile futhi asikaze sikhulume kabi ngomunye nomunye, sixazulula izingxabano zethu ngokuthula, singabangane abakhulu, sihlala ngokomzimba futhi siphilile, sikhuluma ngokungavumelani kwethu futhi singakwabi nanoma ngubani ongaphandle kobudlelwano bethu.
Uma sinenkinga yokuzwana sizofuna usizo kumeluleki wezobudlelwano, sichitha isikhathi sisodwa, siyaphuma ndawonye (ubusuku bosuku, thina sobabili) okungenani usuku olulodwa / ubusuku ngeviki, sobabili sinemisebenzi egculisayo, omunye wethu uhlala ekhaya ukukhulisa izingane zethu ngenkathi omunye esebenza, sabelana ngemisebenzi yasekhaya.
singabaphathi abahle bezezimali zethu — futhi songa imali yomhlalaphansi, sithandaza ndawonye, siya esontweni noma esinagogeni noma ethempelini noma emasosheni ndawonye, sihlela izinsuku zokuzijabulisa namakhefu, sihlala sikhuluma iqiniso, siyathembana, senza izinqumo ezibalulekile ndawonye.
Siyazwana lapho izinto zinzima, siyikhokha phambili futhi sisebenzele umphakathi wethu, sisondelene nomndeni wethu nabangane, sihlala sicabanga futhi senza izinto ezisenza sizizwe sisondelene, siphetha usuku ngalunye ngokubuza ukuthi senzeni noma kushiwo phakathi nosuku okusenze sazizwa sisondelene ndawonye (sisebenzisa lolu lwazi ukuthuthukisa ubudlelwane bethu).
Singabalaleli abahle, senza omunye nomunye eze kuqala, njll. Uma usuthathe isinqumo ngezakhi ezikulo mbono (izinto ofuna ukuzenza, ukuzithola, ube) ungazisebenzisa njengamazinga onquma ngawo ukuthi ucabangani , ukusho, noma ukwenza kuzokusiza ukufeza izinhloso zakho futhi uqaphele umbono wakho.
Uma kungenjalo, ningenza ukulungiswa kwenkambo okusiza nobabili ukuthi nihlale ekhasini elilodwa ebudlelwaneni obujabulisayo nobenelisayo
Thuthukisa "Izivumelwano Zobudlelwano"
Pela izinto ezithile ozocabanga uzenze ukuxazulula izinkinga zakho, ufinyelele izinhloso zakho, futhi uqaphele umbono wakho wobudlelwano.
Phakathi nenqubo yonke yokwelapha, umelaphi wakho kufanele akusize uthathe isinqumo futhi uvumelane ngezinto ezithile ongazenza ukulungisa nokuthuthukisa ubudlelwano bakho. Isibonelo, ngisiza amaklayenti ami ukuthuthukisa engikubiza ngokuthi "Izivumelwano Zobudlelwano."
Ngitshela amaklayenti ami ukuthi lezi zivumelwano zenzelwe ukucacisa zonke izinguquko nentuthuko abahlela ukuyenza ebuhlotsheni babo.
Isaga saseChina esithatha umqondo wale ngxenye yenqubo sithi "Uyinki omncanyana unamandla kakhulu kunenkumbulo enamandla." Iphuzu lami lapha ukuthi kubaluleke kakhulu ukuthuthukisa nokubamba, ngokubhala, izivumelwano zobudlelwano osuthathe isinqumo ngazo njengokubhala phansi umbono wakho wobudlelwano.
Empeleni, lezi zivumelwano zizocacisa izinto ozozicabanga futhi uzenze ukuxazulula izinkinga zakho, zifinyelele ezinhlosweni zakho, futhi zifeze umbono wakho wobudlelwano. Isibonelo, njengemibhangqwana eminingi, mina nomkami saba nenkinga enkulu yaqhamuka ngemuva nje kokushada.
Okusho ukuthi, lapho sasingavumelani ngokuthile futhi siqala ukuphikisana ngokuthi ubani owayeqinisile nokuthi ubani owayenephutha, sasiqala ukusho izinto ezilimazayo nokuthi singaqondile. Ngenxa yale nkinga size nesivumelwano esisho okulandelayo:
“Kulungile ukungavumelani kodwa akulunge neze ukungabi namusa. Ngokuzayo, lapho siqala ukuthukuthela, siyavuma ukuyeka ukukhuluma. Omunye wethu uzobiza "isikhathi sokuphuma" sokucabangisisa kahle ngezinto. ”
“Uma omunye wethu ekhombise isikhathi sokuphumula siyavuma ukuthi kusho ukuthi sizo-1) sihlukane kuze kube yimizuzu engama-30, 2) sizame ukwehlisa umoya, 3) sibuye sibuye sihlangane siqhubeke nengxoxo ngezwi lomphakathi. Ngesikhathi sekhefu lethu, sizozikhumbuza ukuthi lokhu kumane kungumzwelo. Akudingeki ukuthi ikulawule. Kunjengegagasi olwandle — noma liphezulu kangakanani futhi lishesha kangakanani, lihlala lidlula. ”
Ngemuva kokufunda lokhu ungabona ukuthi sinemininingwane eminingi ngezivumelwano zethu. Ngale ndlela, sobabili siyazi ukuthi kuzokwenzekani lapho siqala ukuphikisana. Yize singasifezekisanga lesi sivumelwano, okungenani siyazi ukuthi sikhona futhi singasifinyelela lapho sidinga “ulayini wokuphila!”
Izivumelwano engisize imibhangqwana ezenza eminyakeni edlule azipheli futhi zifaka izivumelwano zokukhuluma iqiniso (ukwethembeka), ukuxhumana, ubusuku besikhathi, ukuba ngumzali, imisebenzi yasendlini, ubudlelwano nabanye abangaphandle komshado, ezezimali, ukuthatha umhlalaphansi, ukuzibophezela esontweni noma esinagogeni , amaholide namaholide, nobuningi bobulili, ukusho okumbalwa.
Iphuzu lapha lilula, uma uzimisele ngokuxazulula izinkinga zakho nokufinyelela izinhloso zakho, ungakhuphula amathuba okuthi uzophumelela uma wenza izivumelwano ezisemthethweni futhi ucacise izinhlelo zakho ngokubhala phansi.
Lokhu esengikubalulile ngenhla kubalulekile ukukuqonda lapho uzama ukuthola umelaphi wezithandani ezinhle.
Yize, ukwelashwa kwemibhangqwana esebenzayo kudinga izindleko ezinkulu ngokwesikhathi nemali; uma uthola owelapha kahle futhi uvuma ukwenza lo msebenzi, izinzuzo zizodlula kude izindleko zesehlukaniso.
Ngiphinde ngabeka iphuzu lapha lokuthi akuyona yonke imishanguzo yokwelapha imibhangqwana eyokwelapha okuhle. Uma, okungenani, umelaphi wakho engazenzi izinto engizichazile lapha inqubo kwesinye isikhathi ingalimaza kakhulu kunokuhle. Lokhu kungagwenywa ngokubuza umuntu ongase abe ngumelaphi mayelana nendlela yabo nokuthi iyiphi inqubo yokwelashwa eyobandakanya.
Uma bengakwazi ukuchaza uhlelo oluhle olunengqondo kuwe, kufanele uqhubekele kumelaphi ongachaza ngokucacile ukuthi bakwenza kanjani abakwenzayo nokuthi kusebenza kanjani.
Konke kushiwo, iphuzu eliyinhloko lapha ukuthi uma udinga usizo ebudlelwaneni bakho, kubalulekile ukuthola owelapha onenqubo engasiza ngokuhlelekile ukuqonda nokubhekana nezinkinga eziyingqayizivele namandla ezobudlelwano anciphisa amandla akho okuchuma njengabashadile .
Ngokufanelekile, uzofuna usizo ngokushesha njengoba kuvame ukwenzeka lapho imibhangqwana ifuna ukwelashwa ngemuva kweminyaka yezingxabano ezingalawuleki cishe akunakwenzeka ukubusindisa ubudlelwano.