-Delile
UJohn Gottman, umcwaningi wobudlelwano owaziwa umhlaba wonke, ubenentshisekelo yokuqonda ukuthi yini eyenza ubudlelwano obuthile busebenze ngenkathi abanye behluleka.
Ngakho-ke, uGottman wafunda abasanda kushada abangama-600 esikhathini esiyiminyaka eyisithupha. Ukuthola kwakhe kuveza ukukhanya okubalulekile kulokho esingakwenza ukukhulisa ukwaneliseka nokuxhumana ebudlelwaneni bethu nokuthi senzani ukukuqeda.
UGottman uthole ukuthi umehluko phakathi kwalobo budlelwano obuchumayo (amakhosi) kanye nalawo (izinhlekelele) ahlobene kakhulu nokuthi aphendula kanjani kumabhidi anakwa. Yini ibhidi yokunakwa?
UGottman uchaza ibhidi yokunakwa njenganoma imuphi umzamo osuka kozakwethu uye komunye ukuze uqinisekise, uthande noma yikuphi ukuxhumana okuhle.
Amabhidi avela ngezindlela ezilula - njengokumamatheka noma ukucwayiza - nangezindlela eziyinkimbinkimbi, njengesicelo seseluleko noma usizo. Ngisho nokububula kungaba yibhidi yokunakwa. Singaziba amabhidi (sifulathele) noma sifise ukwazi bese sibuza imibuzo (sibheke ngakuye).
Amabhidi amaningi ane-subtext ekhomba esifisweni sangempela somlingani wakho. Akudingeki ukuthi ube ngumfundi wezingqondo, kufanele ube nelukuluku futhi ubuze imibuzo ukuze ukuhlole. Isibonelo, uma umlingani ofuna ukunakwa ethi, "Hheyi, bekungeke yini kujabulise ukufunda ukudansa kweSalsa?" omunye uzakwethu aphendule, Cha, angikuthandi ukudansa ... ”omunye uzakwethu eshiya leyo bhidi yokufuna ukunakwa.
Ibhidi kungenzeka kakhulu ngokuchitha isikhathi ndawonye kunomsebenzi wokudansa. Ngakho-ke, mhlawumbe zama, “Ngifisa sengathi bengingathanda ukudansa, kodwa angi ... ngabe kukhona okunye esingakwenza ndawonye?”
Uma uthola ukuvumelana nalesi simo ke lokhu kungezinye zezimpawu zokuthi umlingani wakho ungumuntu ofuna ukunakwa isikhathi esikhulu. Lokhu akusho ukuthi kunephutha endleleni yabo yokuziphatha, kusho ukuthi awubanaki kangako. Awudingi mpendulo yokuthi ungasebenzelana kanjani nabantu abafuna ukunakwa, udinga ukukhomba ibhidi lomlingani wakho ukuze unakwe futhi ukufeze.
UGottman uthole ukuthi imibhangqwana ehlala ndawonye (amakhosi) iphendukela emabhidini ukuze anakwe ama-86% esikhathi, kanti labo abangahlali ndawonye baphendukela emabhidini ukunakwa kuphela ama-33% wesikhathi. Ucwaningo lwakhe lusekela esikubona ehhovisi nsuku zonke. Ukungqubuzana, intukuthelo nentukuthelo akuhlobene neze nezinkinga ezinkulu, futhi kuhlobene nokungatholi nokunikeza ukunakwa okudingekayo ebudlelwaneni ukuze kuchume futhi kusinde.
Kepha kuthiwani uma bobabili abalingani bethatha ngokungathi sína abalingani babo ukuthi banake futhi bakwenza kube yinto ephambili ukunaka nokuphendula? Kuthiwani uma bekhulisa amakhono alula okubona ibhidi, nezindlela ezilula zokuphendukela?
Yebo, ngokusho kukaGottman, zizoba mbalwa izehlukaniso futhi kube nobudlelwano obujabulisayo, obuxhunyiwe nobunempilo!
Ungasiphatha kanjani umlingani ofuna ukunakwa futhi ufeze izidingo zabo
- Hlalani phansi ndawonye futhi nenze uhlu lwendlela enivamise ukwenza ngayo amabhidi ukuze anakwe. Ngasinye ngasikhathi, khomba indlela ejwayelekile ozibona ngayo ukuthi wenza ibhidi yokunaka umlingani wakho. Qhubeka uye emuva naphambili uze ungakwazi ukucabanga ngenye indlela.
- Esontweni elizayo, zingela amabhidi ongawathola kumlingani wakho. Zijabulise .. dlala ... buza umlingani wakho, ngabe lokhu kuyibhidi yokunakwa?
- Khumbula ukuthi ukuphendukela ebhidini akusho ukuthi yebo kumlingani wakho. Ukuphendukela kuzindlela zokwazisa abalingani bakho ukuthi bafuna ukunakwa noma ukwesekwa, futhi bakufeze ngandlela thile. Mhlawumbe kubambezelekile, njengokuthi “Angikwazi ukukhuluma manje ngoba ngiphakathi kwephrojekthi, kodwa ngingathanda ukuchitha isikhathi nawe kamuva. Singakwenza lokho kusihlwa? ”
- Uma umlingani wakho ephuthelwa ibhidi yokunakwa, kunokuba uzizwe uphoxekile noma uthukuthele, bazise ukuthi bekuyibhidi yokunakwa. Ngokunjalo, uma umlingani wakho ekhomba ibhidi elahlekile, zinike isikhathi sokubuza imibuzo bese uphendula.
- Okubaluleke kakhulu, yigcine ilula, uzijabulise, futhi wazi ukuthi ukuthuthukisa umkhuba wokuncika kumabhidi kungenye yezinto enempilo futhi esekelayo ongayenza ebudlelwaneni bakho.
Lezi zikhombi kufanele zikwazi ukukusiza ukuthi ubone futhi ufeze ibhidi likazakwenu lokunakwa. Lokhu ngeke nje kwenze ubudlelwano bakho buqine, lokhu kuzophinde kuthuthukise amakhono akho okuxhumana ngobudlelwano.